And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2, NKJV)

Don’t you love watching shows where they do a total makeover of an old house? It’s fun to imagine what could be done with your own house, too. It’s not quite so satisfying or effective, though, when you try a makeover of your spouse.

Have there been times in your marriage when you felt you had to change your husband or die trying? How did that work out for you?

Have you perhaps tried anger, belittling, whining, temper tantrums, seduction? All those forms of manipulation may produce short term results, but at what cost?

If you think you’re being subtle in your attempts to make your spouse over into the perfect “Prince Charming,” you are definitely mistaken. Even if he doesn’t consciously acknowledge your disappointment with who he is (which is what motivated you to try to change him in the first place), he knows, and it definitely harms your relationship. It’s very difficult to have a good relationship with anyone if you believe it’s your job in life to change that person.

There have certainly been times in our forty-six years of marriage that I’ve felt my goal in life was to change my husband.  When that didn’t work out to my satisfaction (which, of course, was always the case), I’ve had pity parties, grumbling sessions, counseling sessions; I’ve experienced depression, anger, resentment, fear — you name it, I’ve felt it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Sam and I have a pretty good relationship. But sometimes we could both use a good makeover. What God has finally taught me to ask myself is this: “Who really needs the makeover here?”

Whenever my focus in life is to make someone else do or be what I want, I have to ask myself, “Who really needs changing here?” Making my husband over is not my job. Actually, even making myself over isn’t my job. My job is simply to submit to God and let him continue to mold me into the image of His Son.

I can’t be who He designed me to be if I keep holding on to who I want to become or what I want to do. And if I keep trying to use the “Prince Charming” template to re-do my spouse, I’m simply denying that God can do a far better makeover of him than I could ever imagine. I’m convinced I’d do a miserable job of it, anyway.

As I’ve finally learned through the Eight Principles of Celebrate Recovery, God hasn’t yet made me the Queen of the Universe, and He has no intention of doing so. Changing people is not my job. God is God and I’m not!

Actually, I’m deeply grateful that I’m not responsible for changing anyone, including myself. Let me paraphrase Paul in Romans 7:14-19, “what I want and intend to do, I don’t do at all, and what I don’t want to do is exactly what I end up doing.” It simply doesn’t work when I try to do a makeover of anyone.

So, what are the three reasons not to give your spouse a makeover?

Reason #1: It’s not your job — God is God and you’re not.

Reason #2: You’d do a lousy job of it, anyway, and probably make matters even worse.

Reason #3: God wants you to learn to submit to His will, and you can’t do that if your focus is on what someone else should do or be.

This week, let’s ask God to help us lose our desire to do a makeover of anyone else. Instead, let’s ask him to give us the makeover he describes in 2 Corinthians 3:18: “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.” (NKJV)