Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ~John 8:32

Tag Archives: relationships


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Sewing the Seed of Unity

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. 1 Corinthians 1:10

united we stand            This month we celebrate the United States of America. Although 1 Corinthians 1:10 was in a letter to the leaders of a church, it made me think of just how divided we’ve become as a country. Sometimes the idea of unity in America seems impossible, but let’s talk about a few ways we can encourage unity within the land of the free and the home of the brave.

  1. Listen to someone who is different from you. By listen, I don’t mean to simply be silent as we decide what we’re going to say next. I mean pay attention to what he or she is saying. By truly listening to another, we may learn about specific needs that call for prayer either at the time or later. Learning how to pray for someone may put us in a position to minister to the person.
  1. Speak in a civil tone of voice. I have often heard the saying, “I can’t hear what she’s saying because of how she’s saying it.” Coming to unity requires a certain level of respect for each other. In my job, I answer the phone and often the person on the other end is upset. If I become upset, the conversation can easily escalate until nothing good is accomplished. However, if I remain on an even keel…even praying silently for the other person…we often come to agreement. And God only knows the impact the prayer has.
  1. As we drift off to sleep at night, we can pray for God to make divine appointments for us the following day. These are times when we “just happen” to run into or connect with someone who shares a need or a blessing with us. Maybe it turns out that we’re from the same neck of the woods or we both played the oboe in college. That connection may be just what the person needs to allow us into their circle of trust.
  1. Be open to learning something new. Just because two people disagree on one topic doesn’t mean that they have nothing to learn from each other. Sometimes I leave a conversation thinking, I remember acting like that in a conversation last month. I never want to act like that again. Or I might think, Lord, help me to pass on the grace he showed me in that discussion.
  1. Practice allowing the other person to have the last word. At times we need to ask ourselves whether it’s more important to be right or to salvage a relationship or a potential relationship. Seeds that have just been sown need time to take root and grow. Give the other person time to process your point of view.

We can all use more intelligent, reasonable interaction. Try putting these tips to use and let us know how it goes. Who knows? We may start a trend that brings us back to being “one nation under God.”


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I Need Recovery!

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13

It occurred to me the other day how low my self-confidence really is.  It caught me off guard and reminded me just how much I need continual recovery, not only from my childhood abuse but from my own thinking.

I was getting into the shower when I discovered there was no hot water. I checked the hot water tank and sure enough it was off. So I began to reignite it by following the very specific instructions on the tank. It may seem silly but this was a huge accomplishment! I am very insecure and have many “obsessive thinking” types of fear. I was terrified the entire time that the hot water tank was going to blow up in my face. I had gone to lengths in my mind how I would try to escape the flames and save my children. Ever do that? I hope I’m not the only one!

I shared this story with my mom and a few days later she reminded me of our family history, our family’s disease. She planted the seed that my lack of confidence in myself to perform a simple task is deeply rooted in my behavior and thinking that has been passed down from generations through alcoholism.

12417535_10154031575859933_1855565112789213995_nI have been in recovery from my childhood sexual abuse for the past 6 years. Although I have overcome a lot, I still have much more work ahead of me, work that requires a lifetime of attention and yet, I will likely die before fully healing from it all. Some things require Jesus’ return to have full resolution and justice.

For my family, alcoholism was a generational disease on both my mother’s and my father’s side, along with physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. Generational disease, or as the Bible refers to it, generational sin (Deuteronomy 5:9), is a very real cycle passed down by our parents and grandparents through learned behavior.

In order for the cycle to be broken, someone has to be willing to stop the previous behavior patterns and choose something different. This requires one thing: to speak the truth. It’s simply said but a very lonely, not-so-traveled road. Most of the time, it is hard for other members of the family who are not quite ready for the truth.

In my family the brave person who chose to step into the light of truth was my mother. After she began recovery it was like a permission slip for me to do the same. I could not wait to finally start talking about what we never talked about. As difficult as the truth was and as painful as it was for my other family members to hear, it felt much better than keeping the truth inside where it ate away at me daily.  I began to slowly realize why I was in so much pain and why I made such poor choices.

Jesus meant it when he said, “the truth will set you free.” It did for me. Not everyone was in the same place as me when I began recovery, and many of my relationships were strained. However, through the strength Christ gives when you choose this journey, I was able to hold firm boundaries while maintaining a loving perspective and acceptance of where they were in their lives.

The truth is funny, though; it has a way of making itself known without demanding attention or bullying its way in.  It reveals itself with such incredible timing in grand, undeniable ways. That’s because God is the truth and His Son, the light. When we choose to walk in God’s truth hand in hand with His son lighting the way, it ends up spreading and affecting everything it touches, including the relationships surrounding us.

The truth hurts, but only temporarily. Through it I have reached a place of acceptance and forgiveness and will continue to move through past hurts from my childhood and adulthood. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I have put many miles behind me already because I’m not doing it alone but with a Savior who understands my pain. Remember, Christ became like us so we could become like Him.

On days when recovery is hard and my character defects are overpowering me, I remind myself of God’s promises for my future. John shares with us in Revelation 22:2, the new city of Jerusalem, the streets of gold and the tree of life that bears new fruit each month. Then he says, “the leaves will be for the healing of the nations.” Our God knows that our pain is great, so great that we will continue to need healing even in our eternity. I pray we keep hope in that we will be completely healed one day.


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Let the Spirit Move You

Do not quench the Spirit. 1 Thessalonians 5:19

The Spirit has been at work. I have had many lessons this week. My mom shared a spirit-filled experience with me.

The other day she was at “group” and was asked by her lady friends if she’d like to have lunch. My mom was honest and told them she wasn’t “in the mood” as she is still very much grieving the loss of her husband. After “group” finished she took her car to get the oil changed. While she was there the cashier asked her why she wasn’t smiling, and if she could just give one smile. My mother replied with a level of honesty that most people avoid, “I don’t have anything to smile about right now. I just lost my husband a month ago.” The man quickly apologized.

A woman who was being helped at the front turned around towards my mother with her eyes filled with tears. She then told my mom that she just lost her husband a year ago. They shared a few things and then embraced one another.

The point is that if my mom had not been honest about not wanting to go to lunch and avoided her feelings, she would have missed this opportunity. If she had not again answered with honesty about how she really felt, she would have missed out on connecting with a complete stranger who also needed to comfort.

That’s what Jesus was all about: Relationships. Doing life together. Living in the truth. Allowing God to provide while being open to experience all the honest emotions that life throws our way.

Then my own child showed me this very same thing. I am learning a great deal from my child. As she continues through this painful journey of chemotherapy, she is showing us how to live. Every day she has another thing that she has to accept. She has feelings and fears. Her hair has started to fall out which has proven to be very difficult for her and us.

But I see her working every day. I see her fighting, physically, to recover, but more so, I see her spiritual battle, this inner working. I see her allowing God and His spirit to lead her through this battle field. She draws and writes almost every day, expressing herself through the pictures. I like to call it her art therapy.

A few days ago she drew this:

image

I was frightened when I saw it. I took myself to the bathroom and cried. She posted it to our refrigerator. Yet another lesson. Olivia is allowing all that she feels, all that she is experiencing to just happen. She’s letting the spirit direct her and it’s leading her to the  truth. I know many adults who are not able to let their feelings guide them to a place of raw honesty.

That is what our feelings do: guide us to a place of truth and surrender. It is in the acknowledgment of the truth that we are set free. Christ said it. It is the only way to surrender to God’s plan.

Since seeking recovery six yeas ago, I have been living in such a place. The truth is the only way in our home. But, I have to admit, my daughter’s mortality hanging in the front part of my mind has me wanting to hide from the truth. I have to keep myself in a constant awareness of Christ and His father, who knows all too well the fears I have over my child.

I pray that each of us allow our current circumstances to transform us. It brings purpose to the pain and draws us closer to our God. Remember He knows our temptations and our fears. Christ was fully human, but He is fully God as well, which makes Him a Savior who understands us but knows how to save us. I pray we first seek the truth and then invite the spirit into our space, allowing Christ to take control and God to change our hearts.

I pray these things in Jesus’ name, amen.


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God Is Love

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  1 John 4:8

 

Do you have trouble loving others during worship on Sunday morning?

I know I don’t, but in the car on the way home can be a different story altogether.

Me: “Let’s go somewhere for lunch.”

My husband: “I’d really rather go home. I’m tired.”

Me: “You’re always tired.”

My husband: “You’re one to talk after last night.”

Me: “How dare you bring up last night?!”

I’ll let you use your imagination to finish that conversation. Hint: It does not go well.

cloud-600224 copyAs we head into the love month that includes Valentine’s Day, our thoughts turn to love. Although the world does its best to define love as something that can be bought, is found under the sheets or expressed with chocolate (and I do so love me some chocolate!), 1 John 4:4-21 is a lesson in true love, pure love.

In this passage, we learn the following:

  • God is love;
  • God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die so that we might live;
  • Because God loves us, we should love each other;
  • If we love each other, God is in us and His love is made complete in us;
  • We can rely on God’s love for us, giving us “confidence on the day of judgment”;
  • “There is no fear in love”;
  • “Perfect love drives out fear”;
  • We love others because God loved us first; and
  • Whoever loves God must also love their brothers and sisters.

There is not much wiggle room in this chapter. It does not say, “God loves us because we’re so good” or “It’s up to you to decide if a brother or sister deserves love.” It does not say, “God loves us most of the time but hates us when we sin” or “Try to be nice and God will live in you.”

This chapter basically says that God is love, through His love for His Son He lives in us and we are to love one another because He loved us first. Period.

That may not fit on a candy heart but it is something that is worth celebrating during this month of love.

chocolate-candy-995135 copySo if love is not candy, flowers or scantily clad people making out on television, what does love look like?

  • Love is the parents who are in church with their children.
  • Love is the brother who feeds the homeless with no thought of reward or thanks.
  • Love is the teenager who stands up against the student who is bullying another student.
  • Love is letting the other person go in front of you with a smile in the check-out lane.
  • Love is saying no when a child or a friend needs a boundary.
  • Love is not having to have the last word.
  • Love is standing in the gap by lifting someone in prayer.

All of this may sound like a tall order. But if we just focus on this moment, we can give and receive love one person at a time. And if anyone asks, I wouldn’t mind a little chocolate thrown in for good measure.

 

 


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Be Kind

Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32def

On the past two New Year’s Days, I have chosen a word to focus on throughout the year. Because I needed to, I chose the same word both years—intentional. I think I’m ready for a new word for this new year, and I’ve chosen the word kindness.

I have the most trouble with those I love the most and spend the most time with—my family members. Several years ago during a parent-teacher meeting for one of my sons, the teacher complained that he was extremely sarcastic with her at times. Her comment cut me to the core. At once, I could hear myself responding to my husband and my sons sarcastically, using humor to cover a multitude of sins.

SONY DSCThat day I began to listen to myself. As a young child, our son, Josh, was diagnosed with Oppositional-Defiant Disorder (ODD). A counselor told us raising him was going to be like guiding a surly, disobedient teenager who had less than half the maturity of a teenager. Now a fine adult who spreads God’s love through music, Josh was willfully noncompliant as a child. He had fits of rage and I was often the target of his anger.

During the time we were trying to find someone who was able, willing and knowledgeable about what was going on with Josh, a counselor suggested that we record one of his episodes. One evening at bedtime, one of the worst times of day for us, I put a voice-activated recorder in my robe pocket, steeled myself for the inevitable confrontation awaiting me and opened the door to his bedroom.

In the forty minutes that followed, I was called hateful names that no mother should hear, I dodged blocks hurled at me and I tried desperately to coral him into bed. In all of the bedlam, I completely forgot about the recorder in my pocket until I took my robe off to finally get into my own bed.

“Let’s hear if it caught any of that,” I said to my husband, hitting the Play button. I was not prepared for what I heard.

The recorder had captured my son’s wrath. It had also captured my own.

Oh, I didn’t call him names or heave insults at him. But the tone of my voice could have curdled milk. “Get over here,” I growled at him at one point, and “I’d be ashamed,” at another. The words I hissed at him through gritted teeth were filled with venom and—dare I say it?—hatred.

Some have said I had every reason to be angry and I agree. But I was the adult. It was my responsibility to control myself, even in the face of great difficulty. I also realized that my anger had turned into resentment and was spilling over on all who loved me.

After that experience, I changed my tune. When I was tempted to respond with sarcasm or bitterness, I quickly adjusted my attitude and reframed my comments as statements or questions. For example, when my husband said, “This casserole might be good with pork instead of chicken,” I checked the urge to say, “Great idea, genius! You can make it that way when you cook it.” Instead, I said, “That’s a good idea. I’ll try that.”

It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t always successful, but when I was able to build up instead of tearing down my relationships, they grew stronger and healthier. The environment at home became more of a safe haven and less of a combat zone. I’m still not the perfect wife and mother, but I have progressed by leaps and bounds, and the relationships with my husband, my sons and their loved ones reflect the progress that practice has produced.

Dear God, help me to practice kindness to all, especially those who are closest to me. Remind me that honesty does not require cruelty and that words can wound just as they can inspire. May I always partner with you, whether I am crafting a sentence or cooking a meal. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 


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Three Reasons Not to Give Your Husband a Makeover

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2, NKJV)

bath-small-reducedDon’t you love watching shows where they do a total makeover of an old house? It’s fun to imagine what could be done with your own house, too. It’s not quite so satisfying or effective, though, when you try a makeover of your spouse.

Have there been times in your marriage when you felt you had to change your husband or die trying? How did that work out for you?

Have you perhaps tried anger, belittling, whining, temper tantrums, seduction? All those forms of manipulation may produce short term results, but at what cost?

If you think you’re being subtle in your attempts to make your spouse over into the perfect “Prince Charming,” you are definitely mistaken. Even if he doesn’t consciously acknowledge your disappointment with who he is (which is what motivated you to try to change him in the first place), he knows, and it definitely harms your relationship. It’s very difficult to have a good relationship with anyone if you believe it’s your job in life to change that person.

There have certainly been times in our forty-six years of marriage that I’ve felt my goal in life was to change my husband.  When that didn’t work out to my satisfaction (which, of course, was always the case), I’ve had pity parties, grumbling sessions, counseling sessions; I’ve experienced depression, anger, resentment, fear — you name it, I’ve felt it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Sam and I have a pretty good relationship. But sometimes we could both use a good makeover. What God has finally taught me to ask myself is this: “Who really needs the makeover here?”

Whenever my focus in life is to make someone else do or be what I want, I have to ask myself, “Who really needs changing here?” Making my husband over is not my job. Actually, even making myself over isn’t my job. My job is simply to submit to God and let him continue to mold me into the image of His Son.

frog-prince-334970 reducedI can’t be who He designed me to be if I keep holding on to who I want to become or what I want to do. And if I keep trying to use the “Prince Charming” template to re-do my spouse, I’m simply denying that God can do a far better makeover of him than I could ever imagine. I’m convinced I’d do a miserable job of it, anyway.

As I’ve finally learned through the Eight Principles of Celebrate Recovery, God hasn’t yet made me the Queen of the Universe, and He has no intention of doing so. Changing people is not my job. God is God and I’m not!

Actually, I’m deeply grateful that I’m not responsible for changing anyone, including myself. Let me paraphrase Paul in Romans 7:14-19, “what I want and intend to do, I don’t do at all, and what I don’t want to do is exactly what I end up doing.” It simply doesn’t work when I try to do a makeover of anyone.

So, what are the three reasons not to give your spouse a makeover?

Reason #1: It’s not your job — God is God and you’re not.

Reason #2: You’d do a lousy job of it, anyway, and probably make matters even worse.

Reason #3: God wants you to learn to submit to His will, and you can’t do that if your focus is on what someone else should do or be.

This week, let’s ask God to help us lose our desire to do a makeover of anyone else. Instead, let’s ask him to give us the makeover he describes in 2 Corinthians 3:18: “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.” (NKJV)


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Ever just need a hug?

Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms. Psalm 68:19 (NLT)

HugsThis morning I experienced a little heartbreak. My husband was on his way out the door then stopped and asked me a question. Looking back I wish my answer could have just been “yes.” But I’m one of those “high maintenance” people and a one word answer is never good enough, so as is my habit, “yes” was just the tip of the iceberg of my answer. I elaborated by adding my logic and reasoning to support my “yes.” To me, the words that followed my “yes” were important, revealing, intimate and personal; something that I would only trust to my closest friend.   I thought I was being brave and loving and more open with my husband than I usually was. This was a big step for me; it’s something I’ve been striving to improve in our relationship: communication.

But instead of the loving affirmation I expected, he made a sound, like a grumble that made me think he didn’t like what I said. I asked him what was wrong and he said he did not understand me. So I tried again to explain myself and was careful to select different words and not just repeat myself. I wanted him to listen and understand this part of me that I was revealing to him. But my words weren’t getting the reaction I wanted. He appeared to be disgusted with me and I felt like he was angry at me. He sounded incredulous that I could be the way I described. It felt like he was ashamed of me. He was rejecting who I was, how I thought, and my truth. It hurt.

And he left the house shaking his head and muttering something I couldn’t hear. I stood there with a lump in my throat. Now what do I do? This was just a simple interchange between a husband and a wife, so innocent and insignificant. Why did it hurt me so much?

For one thing, after working through the eight recovery principles of Celebrate Recovery, I’m more aware of my feelings than ever before. I learned how to be still and feel my feelings rather than use food to cover them up. But I don’t like to hurt so what else can I do to ease the painful feeling?

First I said a little quick prayer, something like “Please God, help me.”   Then as I drove to work, I reviewed the facts of what happened. This exchange took place early in the morning as we were rushing to get ready to leave for work. I know that is not the ideal time for a deep, meaningful conversation. He asked a simple yes or no question and I made the choice to provide a lengthy response. Maybe he didn’t reject me, but just didn’t have time to listen and respond the way he wanted to?

Still I held on to the hurt and felt like I needed a hug. Then I remembered that God delights in me (Psalm 18:19) and wants to care for me like a mother hen protects her chicks under her wings (Matthew 23:37). So many times over the five decades of my life I have needed a hug and didn’t know how to ask for one. But God had his arms wrapped around me the whole time!

Ramona2

Ramona Taylor