Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32def

On the past two New Year’s Days, I have chosen a word to focus on throughout the year. Because I needed to, I chose the same word both years—intentional. I think I’m ready for a new word for this new year, and I’ve chosen the word kindness.

I have the most trouble with those I love the most and spend the most time with—my family members. Several years ago during a parent-teacher meeting for one of my sons, the teacher complained that he was extremely sarcastic with her at times. Her comment cut me to the core. At once, I could hear myself responding to my husband and my sons sarcastically, using humor to cover a multitude of sins.

That day I began to listen to myself. As a young child, our son, Josh, was diagnosed with Oppositional-Defiant Disorder (ODD). A counselor told us raising him was going to be like guiding a surly, disobedient teenager who had less than half the maturity of a teenager. Now a fine adult who spreads God’s love through music, Josh was willfully noncompliant as a child. He had fits of rage and I was often the target of his anger.

During the time we were trying to find someone who was able, willing and knowledgeable about what was going on with Josh, a counselor suggested that we record one of his episodes. One evening at bedtime, one of the worst times of day for us, I put a voice-activated recorder in my robe pocket, steeled myself for the inevitable confrontation awaiting me and opened the door to his bedroom.

In the forty minutes that followed, I was called hateful names that no mother should hear, I dodged blocks hurled at me and I tried desperately to coral him into bed. In all of the bedlam, I completely forgot about the recorder in my pocket until I took my robe off to finally get into my own bed.

“Let’s hear if it caught any of that,” I said to my husband, hitting the Play button. I was not prepared for what I heard.

The recorder had captured my son’s wrath. It had also captured my own.

Oh, I didn’t call him names or heave insults at him. But the tone of my voice could have curdled milk. “Get over here,” I growled at him at one point, and “I’d be ashamed,” at another. The words I hissed at him through gritted teeth were filled with venom and—dare I say it?—hatred.

Some have said I had every reason to be angry and I agree. But I was the adult. It was my responsibility to control myself, even in the face of great difficulty. I also realized that my anger had turned into resentment and was spilling over on all who loved me.

After that experience, I changed my tune. When I was tempted to respond with sarcasm or bitterness, I quickly adjusted my attitude and reframed my comments as statements or questions. For example, when my husband said, “This casserole might be good with pork instead of chicken,” I checked the urge to say, “Great idea, genius! You can make it that way when you cook it.” Instead, I said, “That’s a good idea. I’ll try that.”

It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t always successful, but when I was able to build up instead of tearing down my relationships, they grew stronger and healthier. The environment at home became more of a safe haven and less of a combat zone. I’m still not the perfect wife and mother, but I have progressed by leaps and bounds, and the relationships with my husband, my sons and their loved ones reflect the progress that practice has produced.

Dear God, help me to practice kindness to all, especially those who are closest to me. Remind me that honesty does not require cruelty and that words can wound just as they can inspire. May I always partner with you, whether I am crafting a sentence or cooking a meal. In Jesus’ name, Amen.