Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ~John 8:32

Monthly Archives: January 2016


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Today I Choose to Believe

winter tree in fog Psa96.9

Here I am before You, Lord,

Again fearful,

Again doubting,

Again shameful.

 

Lord, teach me to be satisfied

With Your gifts,

With Your grace,

With Your love.

 

How can I not be satisfied?

You gave up everything,

You gave me life,

You gave me freedom.

 

Teach me, Lord, that with You

I am blessed,

I need nothing more,

You are always enough!

 

Lord, today I choose to believe

Your Spirit is living within me.

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
(Romans 8:11)

 

I am Your beloved child, not an orphan.

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
(Romans 8:15)

 

Your Spirit will transform me into the person You made me to be.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
(2 Corinthians 2:18)

 

You alone will make me bold to live out and to share the good news of Your Son, Jesus the Anointed.

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold.
(2 Corinthians 3:12)

 

Only in the power of Your Spirit am I able to choose the right path, speak the truth, and share Your grace and love.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
(Romans 1:8)

 

I have no hope but in You.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.
(Psalm 62:5)

 

I have no love but Your love.

God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
(Romans 5:5b)

 

I have no power but the power You give me through Your precious Spirit.

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
(2 Timothy 1:7)

 

Everything I have and everything I am comes from Your gracious and merciful hand.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
(James 1:17)

 

Here I am before You, Lord,

Again courageous,

Again trusting,

Again confident in You alone!

 

Thank You, Lord!

 Every Day is a New Start


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God Is Still Good

I’m going to use this opportunity as a new blogger to share about my daughter’s new diagnosis. My 9-year-old Olivia was born with a severe heart condition and required many open heart surgeries that inevitably led her to a heart transplant. It was her 5th open heart surgery and one that has changed the course of her life.

It’s such a funny thing, all that has happened over the past 30 days. It seems unreal, too unrealistic. Even the best screenplay writers couldn’t come up with this stuff.  It’s all been too much.

My beloved step-father rapidly started to decline Christmas night. I made plans to fly home to say goodbye.  A few days after Christmas I jumped on a plane with my 3 children. My middle child, my heart baby, Olivia, had been “sick” since moving to El Paso back in October. But her symptoms the month of December were alarming to me and my husband; I spent weeks taking her to one doctor after another. No one knew. No one could have predicted what was looming.

We arrived Monday. By Tuesday evening I was done. I took her to the emergency room at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. All her doctors were there and all her records. I felt relieved the moment I stepped in. After an x-ray and an ultrasound Olivia’s cardiologist was notified, and she “just so happened” to be on call that night so she had her admitted under her service. The next day Olivia had a CT scan. Wednesday my husband arrived and Olivia underwent a biopsy of one of her lymph nodes.  We waited through the weekend for results.

We have waited before. Only 7 years ago we found ourselves at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital spending New Year’s Eve with our baby girl waiting on a new heart. This waiting was different.

Monday night, a week after arriving in Nashville, Olivia was officially diagnosis with PTLD, Post-transplant lymphoproliferative disease.

image

We knew this was possible. We were told; we signed documents proving we understood the risks. We knew that her heart transplant was an exchange of one set of issues for another. We also knew Olivia needed a new heart. We made the choice. We signed the dotted line. We knew but we had no other choice.

PTLD is a form of lymphoma that occurs after organ transplant due to the antirejection medication that is required to maintain the graft. But it is an immune suppressant drug and directly affects the lymphatic system.

Olivia had her first round of chemo on Wednesday. My wonderful step-father left the world on Thursday night. We buried him Friday.

This is how I know God. If my father had not been ill, I would have never gotten on the plane. I would have never gotten Olivia to the ER. He laid out a path at my feet and escorted me through it. Except it wasn’t so eloquent. I had known for months that something dire was happening to my child and couldn’t get her help. I fought God tooth and nail on why He put us in a city that could not help her. But when it came down to it, she was placed in the perfect situation where everyone that needed to be there was there. The universe was aligned and His plan executed.

This is how I know God. People, His people, Christ’s people came to our aid. They provided comfort to our family and my extended family that had been spread too thin between my father’s passing and Olivia’s diagnosis.

There are many unknowns. What I know is that Olivia is mad. Her dad and I are mad and her big sister is mad. We hate cancer, also a fact.  Another truth: no child/children should have to understand his or her mortality in the way that my children do at this very moment. Death is not natural. It was never meant to be this way. Decay is sin. Body and spirit separated by death, sin. Jesus, come quickly.

One last truth: God is good. He was good before my father passed and He is still good. He was good before Olivia received her news and He will remain good through treatment. And if He decides to take my baby girl home, He will still be good.

Sarah

Sarah Apa


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I’m Encouraged

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are now doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV)

 

I had never heard of a “meme” before I asked my teenager to explain it to me last year. After making me feel really old and uninformed by saying, “Really, Mom? You really don’t know?” he said it was like a picture on Facebook with some words on it, usually funny.

give me a tiny log cabinOh? I’ve been attracted to memes all my life and didn’t realize it. I especially remember back in high school when I had posters plastered all over my bedroom walls. They were mostly outdoor scenes and cute animal pictures with pithy sayings that made me smile and feel good.   And now I collect internet memes by saving them to My Photos on my iPhone. I like some funny ones, but mostly I save memes that make me stop and think.

2 old ladies sitting in churchThe Oxford Dictionary says the word “meme” originated in the 1970’s from the Greek word “mimema” which means “that which is imitated.” The definition from Wikipedia says a meme is “an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture.”

So my wall posters from high school qualify as memes. And a lot of what is posted on Facebook are memes. I realize that what I see on Facebook is filtered because I only see what my friends post, but almost every day, I find a new meme or two that I think is worth saving. I’m guessing I have hundreds. What do I do with all these memes?

Memes operate similar to proverbs in my life. They are “for gaining wisdom and instruction; for understanding words of insight; for receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is If a girl is silentright and just and fair; for giving prudence to those who are simple, knowledge and discretion to the young—let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise.” (Proverbs 1:2-6 NIV)

I save a lot of memes with scriptures on them and of course, there are many memes that I ignore because reading them doesn’t stir up any connection for me. That’s the good thing about memes, unless they quote the Bible, you can take them or leave them.

Right now I am trying to establish a habit of reviewing the memes that I’ve saved to my phone on a periodic basis. It’s usually only when I’m waiting in a doctor’s office that I check my memes. You have a choiceIt’s great for when I’m a little worried or feeling down but don’t have a lot of time to search the Bible or to call someone. I just start scrolling through my pictures and I don’t have to go very far before one sparks a memory about somebody or starts a deeper thought process and I start praying.

And praying is one thing I can count on to really work to improve my attitude. Every time I review my memes, I feel refreshed and encouraged. Even when the meme brings up a memory of something I regret, I resolve to do better now that I know better.

just remain silent and smileThe mobile Bible app called “YouVersion” includes a built in menu option to make your own memes from any Bible verse. The app calls it making “Verse Images.” You can make a meme and then save it to your phone or share with social media.

I think sharing these little bits of wisdom is one way we can obey God’s word in Hebrews 10:24 where it says, “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” (NLT) Thanks to my Facebook friends, I am encouraged.


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A Lifetime of Yes

As I browsed Amazon in December trying to decide what to buy the family for Christmas, I clicked on Shonda Rhimes’ Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person. I didn’t buy it, haven’t read it, and probably won’t — I already have about a gazillion books that I’ve bought and never finished, thank you very much! I simply liked the title and wanted to see more.

Reading the blurb made me want to write a book myself. If I were to begin such an ambitious project, the book might center around my need to say yes to God whenever He nudges me. My title could be something like A Lifetime of Yes: How to Dance In Praise, Stand in the Son and Be God’s Wholly (Holy?) Unique Person.

IMG_5572So far, I’ve not felt called to write a book — this blog is even a bit out of my comfort zone. Maybe you’re like me and fear doing anything you’ve never tried before. Why is that? What’s the worst thing that could happen? What is it I fear about stepping out of my comfort zone?

Do I really believe God would ask me to do anything that He could not or would not provide the resources to accomplish? Perhaps it’s just that I’m fearful of my motives. Maybe this is not really God’s nudging but my own selfish desires exerting themselves. Whatever my excuse , I believe every time I say no to God, the underlying reason is that I want to accomplish great things in my own power and using my own wisdom. I probably want to take the credit for any successes, too.

When I try to accomplish anything God asks of me in my own power, the waves will always overwhelm me as they did Peter when he took his eyes off Jesus (Matt. 14:30). I too often forget that failure or success is not mine to determine. All God asks of me is to be faithful in following His lead. He will take care of the outcome.

What types of things have you felt God nudging you to do, but, like Moses (Exodus 4:1-12), you’ve always told God you didn’t have the skills or courage to do them? As if He didn’t know how weak and incompetent we are without His power! Exactly how dangerous are the things He’s been asking of you — if not dangerous, perhaps just scary to you?

What if you did “scary” things like telling a friend that you admire her and would love to spend time getting to know her better? What if she ship in harbor - comfort zonerejects you? She might think you’re a weirdo and run for the hills!

But then again … maybe she has been thinking the same thing about you. Maybe God has put her on your heart because He wants you to bring her to Him. A beautiful, even a saving, relationship could develop just because you had the courage to say yes to that impulse to connect.

Let’s pick at least one thing for this new year that God has been nudging us to do for Him. Let’s simply ask him for His strength, His wisdom and His power to do that one thing. He will shower us with His blessings as we are faithful to His calling, not just this year, but for a lifetime of yes.

Father, forgive me for being fearful when You nudge me to do Your will. Help me to listen only to You, and give me the courage to always say yes. Give me the power to trust You and to remain faithful.


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Be Kind

Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32def

On the past two New Year’s Days, I have chosen a word to focus on throughout the year. Because I needed to, I chose the same word both years—intentional. I think I’m ready for a new word for this new year, and I’ve chosen the word kindness.

I have the most trouble with those I love the most and spend the most time with—my family members. Several years ago during a parent-teacher meeting for one of my sons, the teacher complained that he was extremely sarcastic with her at times. Her comment cut me to the core. At once, I could hear myself responding to my husband and my sons sarcastically, using humor to cover a multitude of sins.

SONY DSCThat day I began to listen to myself. As a young child, our son, Josh, was diagnosed with Oppositional-Defiant Disorder (ODD). A counselor told us raising him was going to be like guiding a surly, disobedient teenager who had less than half the maturity of a teenager. Now a fine adult who spreads God’s love through music, Josh was willfully noncompliant as a child. He had fits of rage and I was often the target of his anger.

During the time we were trying to find someone who was able, willing and knowledgeable about what was going on with Josh, a counselor suggested that we record one of his episodes. One evening at bedtime, one of the worst times of day for us, I put a voice-activated recorder in my robe pocket, steeled myself for the inevitable confrontation awaiting me and opened the door to his bedroom.

In the forty minutes that followed, I was called hateful names that no mother should hear, I dodged blocks hurled at me and I tried desperately to coral him into bed. In all of the bedlam, I completely forgot about the recorder in my pocket until I took my robe off to finally get into my own bed.

“Let’s hear if it caught any of that,” I said to my husband, hitting the Play button. I was not prepared for what I heard.

The recorder had captured my son’s wrath. It had also captured my own.

Oh, I didn’t call him names or heave insults at him. But the tone of my voice could have curdled milk. “Get over here,” I growled at him at one point, and “I’d be ashamed,” at another. The words I hissed at him through gritted teeth were filled with venom and—dare I say it?—hatred.

Some have said I had every reason to be angry and I agree. But I was the adult. It was my responsibility to control myself, even in the face of great difficulty. I also realized that my anger had turned into resentment and was spilling over on all who loved me.

After that experience, I changed my tune. When I was tempted to respond with sarcasm or bitterness, I quickly adjusted my attitude and reframed my comments as statements or questions. For example, when my husband said, “This casserole might be good with pork instead of chicken,” I checked the urge to say, “Great idea, genius! You can make it that way when you cook it.” Instead, I said, “That’s a good idea. I’ll try that.”

It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t always successful, but when I was able to build up instead of tearing down my relationships, they grew stronger and healthier. The environment at home became more of a safe haven and less of a combat zone. I’m still not the perfect wife and mother, but I have progressed by leaps and bounds, and the relationships with my husband, my sons and their loved ones reflect the progress that practice has produced.

Dear God, help me to practice kindness to all, especially those who are closest to me. Remind me that honesty does not require cruelty and that words can wound just as they can inspire. May I always partner with you, whether I am crafting a sentence or cooking a meal. In Jesus’ name, Amen.