Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ~John 8:32

Monthly Archives: October 2015


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Three Reasons Not to Give Your Husband a Makeover

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2, NKJV)

bath-small-reducedDon’t you love watching shows where they do a total makeover of an old house? It’s fun to imagine what could be done with your own house, too. It’s not quite so satisfying or effective, though, when you try a makeover of your spouse.

Have there been times in your marriage when you felt you had to change your husband or die trying? How did that work out for you?

Have you perhaps tried anger, belittling, whining, temper tantrums, seduction? All those forms of manipulation may produce short term results, but at what cost?

If you think you’re being subtle in your attempts to make your spouse over into the perfect “Prince Charming,” you are definitely mistaken. Even if he doesn’t consciously acknowledge your disappointment with who he is (which is what motivated you to try to change him in the first place), he knows, and it definitely harms your relationship. It’s very difficult to have a good relationship with anyone if you believe it’s your job in life to change that person.

There have certainly been times in our forty-six years of marriage that I’ve felt my goal in life was to change my husband.  When that didn’t work out to my satisfaction (which, of course, was always the case), I’ve had pity parties, grumbling sessions, counseling sessions; I’ve experienced depression, anger, resentment, fear — you name it, I’ve felt it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Sam and I have a pretty good relationship. But sometimes we could both use a good makeover. What God has finally taught me to ask myself is this: “Who really needs the makeover here?”

Whenever my focus in life is to make someone else do or be what I want, I have to ask myself, “Who really needs changing here?” Making my husband over is not my job. Actually, even making myself over isn’t my job. My job is simply to submit to God and let him continue to mold me into the image of His Son.

frog-prince-334970 reducedI can’t be who He designed me to be if I keep holding on to who I want to become or what I want to do. And if I keep trying to use the “Prince Charming” template to re-do my spouse, I’m simply denying that God can do a far better makeover of him than I could ever imagine. I’m convinced I’d do a miserable job of it, anyway.

As I’ve finally learned through the Eight Principles of Celebrate Recovery, God hasn’t yet made me the Queen of the Universe, and He has no intention of doing so. Changing people is not my job. God is God and I’m not!

Actually, I’m deeply grateful that I’m not responsible for changing anyone, including myself. Let me paraphrase Paul in Romans 7:14-19, “what I want and intend to do, I don’t do at all, and what I don’t want to do is exactly what I end up doing.” It simply doesn’t work when I try to do a makeover of anyone.

So, what are the three reasons not to give your spouse a makeover?

Reason #1: It’s not your job — God is God and you’re not.

Reason #2: You’d do a lousy job of it, anyway, and probably make matters even worse.

Reason #3: God wants you to learn to submit to His will, and you can’t do that if your focus is on what someone else should do or be.

This week, let’s ask God to help us lose our desire to do a makeover of anyone else. Instead, let’s ask him to give us the makeover he describes in 2 Corinthians 3:18: “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.” (NKJV)


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Too Heavy to Carry

Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be living in El Paso, I would have laughed in their face! To top that, if someone had told me two years ago that I would have a third child, be homeschooling my kids and getting ready to plant a church, I would probably have smacked them!

Just this past year my husband was finally given the go sign (that would be by me) to explore the possibility of joining the military. After a long, grueling few months of paperwork and interviews, Anthony was accepted into the United States Army as a pharmacist.

From there, our lives have been moving at rapid speed. I have to be honest — I’m totally overwhelmed! We arrived last week in El Paso and nothing has gone as planned. Complications keep arising, and my husband and I are feeling a lot of pressure. The weight of responsibility rests right on my shoulders! I literally can’t stand up straight because I’m so “heavy” with stress and worry.IMG_8837

But just today as the children and I were reading the day’s focus verse in school, I was reminded of how I need to approach all of the chaos. Jesus says that his “yoke is easy” and his “burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). I am not in control of any of the current circumstances. There is only so much that Anthony and I can do.  But isn’t that the truth? Aren’t we expected to do our part but then step aside and let God take over the rest?

When we decided to wear Christ in baptism, when we emerged from that water, we made a bold commitment that states: “When life is too heavy, we will choose to  carry only the burden of Christ.” His load is light compared to the constant, pounding pressures that the world burdens us with. After this week, it is crystal clear that I’m not strong enough to withstand the pressures of this world. Dear sisters, I am grateful. I can’t handle it — and I don’t have to. Guess what? Neither do you!

As sisters in Christ, let us boldly profess that we will not be conformed to the world’s expectations. Let us accept ourselves exactly as we are at this moment, not perfect but progressing. Let us wear the easy, smooth yoke set before us by a Savior who is in love with us!

Sarah

Sarah Apa


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Five Ways to Be Still and Know

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10

I often read the first part of the verse above and respond in one of the following ways.

  • “But I’m so willing to help you, Father, and you know how much there is to be done.”
  • “I will, as soon as I finish this important task.”
  • “Oh, just wait until you hear. I’m doing so much less than usual. This time last week I had seven major projects in the works. I’ve cut that back to only three. I’ll be able to take a break as soon as those are under control.”
  • “It’s obvious that you’re referring to worldly efforts. What I’m doing is the work of your church.”
  • “Ok. But just let me tell you one more thing. My cousin needs comforting…oh, and my friend has that test coming up…and don’t forget my sister’s request for your intervention…”

Do any of these sound familiar to you? If so, I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone. Let’s not despair. Just keep reading for ways to change unhealthy habits.

Be Still and KnowIf we could still our minds long enough to hear God’s entire thoughts in this verse we would learn that not only does He want me to allow Him to be God, He goes on to say that when we do, He is “exalted among the nations…”

When I am in the throes of conflict, temptation, or depression it is hard for me to trust God to be in charge. As is said in 12-step programs, one of the most powerful things we can do is to “Let go and let God.”

But our culture demands that we be ever productive, striving toward first one goal and then another. After all, we don’t want to be a burden on others by not carrying our own weight. How can we possibly “be still” when we have so many responsibilities?

Here are a few ways to clear the path toward regular periods of stillness.

  1. Share the joy of service. When I call upon a loved one to serve alongside me, I am offering her the chance to experience the satisfaction that comes with a life well lived. I suffer from infrequent bouts of positional vertigo. At times it interferes with my driving. One day I called a sister-in-Christ to see if she could take me to a doctor’s appointment. When explaining to me that she could not she thanked me for asking her. I got off the phone feeling better than when I was dialing her number, filled with the dread of asking. I quickly dialed another sister’s number before the evil one could dissuade me. She would be happy to take me, she said, then she thanked me for asking.
  2. Think in bite-size portions of time. Sometimes I can talk myself out of doing something because I try to take on too much at once. If I tell myself that my quiet time with God has to last an hour to be worth anything to Him, I’m buying into one of the lies the evil one uses to isolate me from God. Even if I’m in the middle of an important assignment at work, I can often take a few seconds to close my eyes, take a deep breath and repeat the above verse in my mind. This not only allows me a moment to center my focus on Him, it can also result in better performance of my job.
  3. Step away from the distractions of this world. Treat yourself to time without the television, iPod or cell phone so that you can listen for the Holy Spirit’s urgings. There is nothing inherently evil about any of these forms of communication, but they distract us from our goal when we set apart time to be still.
  4. Be intentional and make quiet time a priority. We schedule dentist appointments, car maintenance and lunch dates. Why not schedule our quiet time with the Lord? Of course, simply entering QT into our calendars won’t guarantee that we make these meetings. It will then be up to us to defend and protect that commitment against potential intruders and usurpers. It is up to us to show up.
  5. Think about what is keeping you from being still. Are you afraid to trust our God to take care of things while you’re off duty? Are you in fear of missing an “important” deadline? Are you terrified that you might find out that you are not the one in control? Fear can rob us of our joy. Put your foot down and remind yourself that the God who set the stars in the sky and the earth on its axis is big enough to handle any of our fears, even those thrown at us by the evil one.

 

Now say the verse above and wallow in the promise in the second part. If we focus on Him alone and are confident in His role as God, we will change the world. We don’t have to understand how this will work itself out; we just have to be obedient and take Him at His word.

Dear God, I love you and praise you for being who you are and for loving me as I am while calling me to greater heights. Give me the courage and the willingness to trust you completely. Thank you for using me to impact others. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Cindy

Cindy Phiffer