But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13
It occurred to me the other day how low my self-confidence really is. It caught me off guard and reminded me just how much I need continual recovery, not only from my childhood abuse but from my own thinking.
I was getting into the shower when I discovered there was no hot water. I checked the hot water tank and sure enough it was off. So I began to reignite it by following the very specific instructions on the tank. It may seem silly but this was a huge accomplishment! I am very insecure and have many “obsessive thinking” types of fear. I was terrified the entire time that the hot water tank was going to blow up in my face. I had gone to lengths in my mind how I would try to escape the flames and save my children. Ever do that? I hope I’m not the only one!
I shared this story with my mom and a few days later she reminded me of our family history, our family’s disease. She planted the seed that my lack of confidence in myself to perform a simple task is deeply rooted in my behavior and thinking that has been passed down from generations through alcoholism.
I have been in recovery from my childhood sexual abuse for the past 6 years. Although I have overcome a lot, I still have much more work ahead of me, work that requires a lifetime of attention and yet, I will likely die before fully healing from it all. Some things require Jesus’ return to have full resolution and justice.
For my family, alcoholism was a generational disease on both my mother’s and my father’s side, along with physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. Generational disease, or as the Bible refers to it, generational sin (Deuteronomy 5:9), is a very real cycle passed down by our parents and grandparents through learned behavior.
In order for the cycle to be broken, someone has to be willing to stop the previous behavior patterns and choose something different. This requires one thing: to speak the truth. It’s simply said but a very lonely, not-so-traveled road. Most of the time, it is hard for other members of the family who are not quite ready for the truth.
In my family the brave person who chose to step into the light of truth was my mother. After she began recovery it was like a permission slip for me to do the same. I could not wait to finally start talking about what we never talked about. As difficult as the truth was and as painful as it was for my other family members to hear, it felt much better than keeping the truth inside where it ate away at me daily. I began to slowly realize why I was in so much pain and why I made such poor choices.
Jesus meant it when he said, “the truth will set you free.” It did for me. Not everyone was in the same place as me when I began recovery, and many of my relationships were strained. However, through the strength Christ gives when you choose this journey, I was able to hold firm boundaries while maintaining a loving perspective and acceptance of where they were in their lives.
The truth is funny, though; it has a way of making itself known without demanding attention or bullying its way in. It reveals itself with such incredible timing in grand, undeniable ways. That’s because God is the truth and His Son, the light. When we choose to walk in God’s truth hand in hand with His son lighting the way, it ends up spreading and affecting everything it touches, including the relationships surrounding us.
The truth hurts, but only temporarily. Through it I have reached a place of acceptance and forgiveness and will continue to move through past hurts from my childhood and adulthood. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I have put many miles behind me already because I’m not doing it alone but with a Savior who understands my pain. Remember, Christ became like us so we could become like Him.
On days when recovery is hard and my character defects are overpowering me, I remind myself of God’s promises for my future. John shares with us in Revelation 22:2, the new city of Jerusalem, the streets of gold and the tree of life that bears new fruit each month. Then he says, “the leaves will be for the healing of the nations.” Our God knows that our pain is great, so great that we will continue to need healing even in our eternity. I pray we keep hope in that we will be completely healed one day.
But instead of bubbling with anticipation of Santa’s visit, I’m sitting here with a headache because I haven’t had breakfast yet. I can’t eat until after I have my blood drawn for a fasting blood test And I’m making my headache worse by worrying about whether or not my plans for all the holiday parties, gifts, and travel are going to work out. I’m letting my mind spend too much time on earthly things and that will get me into trouble.
I have a life-long habit of abusing food, and even if you don’t have an issue with food, maybe you can relate to my struggle with lack of self-discipline in another area. I belong to Christ but my flesh still desires too much harmful food and not enough exercise. It seems to me that I have failed to take that next step and surrender all my fleshly desires; specifically I’m holding on to foods that comfort me and help me tolerate stressful and anxious times.
And this time of year when everyone is baking special treats, sharing meals and celebrating with food, I’m really stretching my self-control to its limit. When I don’t have the structured routine of going to my job every week day for work, I’m in danger of following my fleshly desires to lie on the couch, watch TV and snack on potato chips.
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