Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ~John 8:32

Category Archives: Family


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The Season Of Change

Then God said, “Let light appear in the sky to separate the day from night. Let them be signs to mark the seasons, days, and years.” Genesis 1:14

I love the seasons’ changes. I love the anticipation of something new. It never fails; as soon as I get comfortable with one season, I become discontent and am ready for the next one. I like to think that is one of the reasons God gave us the ever-changing seasons; He knows His creation and knows that we are in need of constant change and transition. “As long as the earth remains, there will be planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night.” Genesis 8:22.

I love all four seasons equally and what each one represents. In the winter, I love oversized sweaters and crockpots full of yummy soups, and I appreciate the nakedness of the earth around me, preparing itself against the elements.

During the winter, I find myself dreaming of the hot summer sun and swimming in the ocean. It represents a time of leisure and enjoyment.

Fall and spring are such important seasons of the year. Fall time brings coolness to the warm air, beauty painted upon our trees and the hustle and bustle of the back-to-school grind. It’s a transition from a break to business in our lives, but more, it’s a representation of a season of preparation. Our earth goes into a dormant state.

All the while, spring is being prepared behind the leafless trees and beneath the frozen ground, “The flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come, and the cooing of the turtledoves fills the air.” Song of Songs 2:12. It’s a rebirthing of life, and before life there is emptiness, darkness. “Then God said, ‘Let there be light.’” Genesis 1:3.

Nature reflects creation produced by a God who represents love and care. As each season was brought into thought and each creature given life, the building of that love for His creation grew and grew until it peaked and human beings were born from His love and His mind. It’s a symphony, a procession of love building upon the next carefully thought up wonder and the pinnacle is man and woman.

All of creation reflects the same running themes: Life never stops moving, changing, transitioning; life itself has seasons which are both physical and spiritual; and the underlying purpose of the steadiness of change is growth.

I am in a perpetual state of spring at the moment and have been for a few years now. I have been giving birth and rearing up new life for 12 years, and I am on the precipice of delivering my fourth child. Now more than ever, I am aware of the significance that the seasons of life hold.

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The parallelisms displayed between nature and the life that we have been given reveals a much deeper meaning hidden within our daily lives. With insight and awareness of who our God is, we can begin to see the purpose of all that has been given—our lives, children, jobs, seasons—even time—it’s all a gift. Much of the gift is simply for us to savor, like summertime and enjoying the fruits of our labor. There are also parts of this gift that are necessary for growth, which often bring discomfort like the cold winters and the pain of child rearing.

But with the new season just upon the horizon, the seasons we may find ourselves in leave just as quickly as they came. As I sit here with my belly full of baby, I am fully aware of the season of life that I am experiencing. Most days I take for granted the time with my little ones, wondering when the daily routines that seem endless will, in fact, ever end. But, I remind myself that there will be a time, sooner rather than later, that I will try to reach far into my memories for the sweet sounds of my baby’s coos and the laughter of my daughters’ play.

As each season continues to rotate the year, and the years unfold into many years, I am going to continue to move through the springs, summers, falls, and winters of life with a mindful eye, a willingness to be open to experience all that God’s hands have in store for my life.


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Our “Normal” is Not Your “Normal”

And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. Ecclesiastes 3:14

My “normal” is not your “normal.” In fact, I would go so far as to say that there is no such thing. Everyone with a pulse—so that includes every human being and every creature in the animal kingdom—has been given “something.” We all have our trials, our burdens, and our time in the desert.

I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. (Ecclesiastes 3:10).

We all are forced to wait at some point and we are all put in uncomfortable circumstances. No one is exempt. These are the inevitable facts of life.

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But there are those few, let’s call them “chosen ones,” who seem to be given more than their fair share. Those are the people you read about on social media who have suffered tremendous amounts of pain and have endured more than enough strife for two lifetimes. For these people, it seems that they can’t catch a break.  It almost seems unfair. We read their stories and shake our heads in disbelief and maybe we say a prayer, but then we go back to our “normal” problems and think to ourselves, “My life isn’t so bad.”

I used to not identify with people like this; I used to hear their stories and have pity on them. I was in a lot of denial then. I’m not anymore.  Maybe it was a matter of acceptance, an unwillingness to see myself as a spectacle to others.  But the truth is, my family, my husband and our children, and even my extended family, our story is a spectacle. It is one of those things you hear about, and it makes you thankful for your own problems.

If you are just catching up to our story, you can visit my daughter’s FB page fightlikelivvy. But to make a long story short: I was sexually abused by my father and aunt during my childhood; my parents divorced well into my adulthood; my second daughter was born with a severe heart defect, had 5 open heart surgeries before age 3, the last one being a lifesaving heart transplant. My mother remarried a wonderful man, but he passed away after only 3 years of marriage from colon cancer. The same week we lost him my daughter with the heart transplant was diagnosed with lymphoma. We briefly lived in a place that couldn’t take care of her medically so we were forced to separate the family so our daughter could receive proper care (hubby is military). Oh, and we are expecting our 4th child in October! This is only the big major stuff without the details. There is so much more!

The truth has been scary to me and to my husband and extremely hard to accept, but we have had to come to terms with the truth about our Olivia; she is a very sick child. She always has been and she will always have to fight for her life here on earth. We have had to accept that God is the one who made her this way, not because He is a vengeful, vindictive God, but because He is, in fact, a merciful God.

The hardest thing that we have had to surrender to is the fact that we, my husband and I, will most likely bury our child. We don’t know if that is a year from now or twenty years, but we have had to be honest with ourselves for Olivia’s sake, that this is a likely possibility for her future.

Our “normal” is not your “normal.”  We have to have on-going conversations with Olivia and our oldest daughter Natalie about mortality, not only to prepare ourselves but, more importantly, to prepare Olivia. She is the one going through this. Death is not something to be ashamed of or something to deny. We believe in God’s power. We have seen it too many times not to believe it and trust it. But that doesn’t mean we are to be blind to the realities of her life.

Olivia needs an environment in which she can freely express her fears and emotions during her journey. She doesn’t need her parents and siblings limiting her experience because of our fears. It’s ultimately her journey and we are given the privilege to walk alongside her and help prepare her for her eternity. As parents, that is our job; we are supposed to be raising our children with the kingdom in mind, but for our family, our eternity isn’t a thing for the far-fetched future.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We don’t walk around talking about death all day every day, but it is a part of our weekly, nonchalant conversations, along with sexual purity, drug addiction and Christian world views. We are just in the position in which we have to have the conversations that no parents want to have: helping our children understand and cope with dying and leaving this earth to a place that we don’t really know much about.

He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

The Scriptures are rich, full of beautiful imagery of our destiny. We are excited and giddy when we speak of these things, but it is still scary.  Let’s face it, everyone will die, no one is exempt from it. There is a time to be born and a time to die. (Ecclesiastes 3:2).

We are all going to die. My children will die, my mother and husband, and I myself, will all die. Olivia is going to die. But I always tell her it won’t be a second before or a second after God has planned to take her home.  Our “normal” is not your “normal.” I hope that because of our story you look at your own lives with a greater appreciation and gratitude. Life is a gift!

And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. (Ecclesiastes 3:13).

Life truly is not ours. It is solely God’s business, His authority, to decide what to do with it. Please don’t feel sorry for us—we don’t—but be thankful and joyful for not having our “normal!”

 


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Why I Don’t Do Father’s Day!

Oh Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. Psalms 139:1.

Father’s Day has never been an easy day for me. Hallmark just doesn’t make cards that say, “Happy Father’s day…oh, and thanks for a childhood full of confusion and abuse.” It’s really sad, though. Each year I go through this rant of how I am going to write an honest, appropriate Father’s Day card to him. I say all the things he won’t hear, and I demand that he owns them and repent. But then I never do send it. Some years I send a simple text that states, “Thanks for my life.” Most years I bypass communication altogether.

Unfortunately, my dear husband, who is everything I wish my father had been to me, gets the short end of the stick. We usually are low key on the celebration. I just don’t want to be reminded of what I don’t have. I avoid social media in order not to provoke a “trigger” that takes me weeks to recover from.  But this year I am taking a chance and focusing on my husband, the father of my three—soon to be four—children.

For me, because of the abuse I received from my father, I have a hard time with men in general. I’m guarded and accusatorial when coming in contact with a man I don’t know. When my husband has hurt me or let me down (as people do), it’s catastrophic for me because the betrayals of my father have left deep scars.  I continue to allow the past hurts to hinder all logic and forgiveness when I am betrayed by anyone, especially by my husband.FullSizeRender

But, I want to see this day as an opportunity to celebrate the wonderful fathers that I do have in my life. Two of my three brothers have become fathers in recent years. They are not only exceptional fathers, but they have also shown my husband and me a thing or two about parenting. A few years ago my brother-in-law almost lost his family but he showed us what true repentance is, and I am witness to a true miracle! He is one of the most devoted daddies I have ever met. Then there is my late step father, my second chance daddy, who was taken home recently. He showed me and my siblings something we never saw from our biological dad: authentic, unconditional love for our mother. Last but not least, my favorite daddy, the father of my own children, my husband Anthony who has shown me time and time again what true fatherhood looks like. He shows unconditional love, laying his life aside for the needs of his children and leading by example—from his knees.

Instead of focusing on what I don’t have with my father, I am pledging to focus on what my children do have. Rather than feeling sorry for myself over what I was given by my father, which is a lifetime of hurt, I am going to focus on what he did give me: my life. Finally and most importantly, I’m going to focus on my real Father, the one who shaped me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13-14), for He is my one true Father who has carried and cared for me all my life.

I am going to pledge that when I become overwhelmed with the pain from my childhood and the psychological and sexual abuse my earthly father bestowed upon me, I will remind myself of what my true Abba Father has given me. When I reflect upon the things I have received from both my fathers, Abba has proven time and time again His never failing love, His faithful promises, His abundant grace, and His mounting blessings. Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise! No one can measure his greatness! Psalms 145:3.

Happy Father’s Day to Dads everywhere!


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“Moms” the Word

 

This past week, social media was flooded with mommy videos, that include, “what mom really wants for mother’s day”, funny mom stories, and my favorite, the tear jerking videos that reveal the truths about all the mommies of the world. Each video, whether it was a satire or heart felt, hold the same common truth about moms. We will do just about anything for our kids even when it makes us crazy.

I always enjoy my mother’s day. My husband and children go to great lengths to show me they love and appreciate me (I’m glad it’s a forced day to do so otherwise, I’m not sure it would ever happen). My favorite part of mother’s day is honoring the mothers in my life. I have the most incredible sisters and mom; they are true gems to me. Being far away from them is hard but my appreciation for each of them travels the miles.

Each of my sisters at some point, have been a mother to my children, “Just as a nursing mother cares for her children,” 1Thess. 2:7.  My older sister Megan took my eldest daughter, Natalie, every time Olivia had a surgery. I didn’t have to ask. She just expected that Natalie would be hers for the following weeks of surgery and recovery. What my sister did for me was give me the gift of peace of mind. Natalie was loved on and well taken care of when I needed to be at the recovery bed of my sick one. She was mom when I couldn’t be.

Fast forward a few years, when Olivia was diagnosed with PTLD in December. Both my sisters, Erin and Carissa (married to my 2 younger brothers) took turns taking care of Oliver and when the time came that we needed to focus on Olivia’s treatment, Erin and my brother Kevin took Oliver home with them. Again, peace of mind, and I knew he would be well taken care of, well fed, and well loved. Again, how do you repay someone who took over your most precious holy work?

My own mother has given her life to all five of us kids, “But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.” Luke 2:51.  Whenever we were going through crisis with our Olivia, my mom was a rock I could count on. The sky was the limit as to what she did to support Anthony and me and our family. She is the first example of Christ that I had in my life.966064_10151607615249933_2100377279_o

I deeply believe that women have been endowed with one of the greatest gifts given to mankind, the ability to be a mother. Every woman has been micro-chipped with instincts and sacrifice. It’s not a curse, it’s an honor. Not every woman is able to bear life; but to raise life up to glorify Him, YES! All women are called to do that. Some of us have the honor to feel life and have biological children, but our motherhood should not stop there, it should extend out to the whole world. It is our duty to be mothers to all the children of the world.

“Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.” Genesis 3:20.

A mother’s love is mighty and can help heal hearts. A mother’s love is rich; it sacrifices until the job is done. A mother’s love is universal; it has no bounds to one language. Her love speaks for itself.

I have many mommy friends that have given me incredible examples of being a universal mom. When they have been unable to conceive, they have traveled many miles, sometimes to China or Korea to be a mother to a child who doesn’t have one. They have taken their dark barren hopelessness and made it a light in a child’s life. I know a mommy that has 3 of her own children but still grew her family all the way from the Congo. I know countless mommies that have opened their home and hearts to motherless babies and children. Thank you for showing the world who Christ is. Often times, being a mom is the best platform to spread the message of Christ to everyone around us.

Being a mother should be celebrated. I challenge every woman to embrace that which has been given. It’s not something to be ashamed of and it’s not a crutch, it’s a gift!

“As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13


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I Need Recovery!

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13

It occurred to me the other day how low my self-confidence really is.  It caught me off guard and reminded me just how much I need continual recovery, not only from my childhood abuse but from my own thinking.

I was getting into the shower when I discovered there was no hot water. I checked the hot water tank and sure enough it was off. So I began to reignite it by following the very specific instructions on the tank. It may seem silly but this was a huge accomplishment! I am very insecure and have many “obsessive thinking” types of fear. I was terrified the entire time that the hot water tank was going to blow up in my face. I had gone to lengths in my mind how I would try to escape the flames and save my children. Ever do that? I hope I’m not the only one!

I shared this story with my mom and a few days later she reminded me of our family history, our family’s disease. She planted the seed that my lack of confidence in myself to perform a simple task is deeply rooted in my behavior and thinking that has been passed down from generations through alcoholism.

12417535_10154031575859933_1855565112789213995_nI have been in recovery from my childhood sexual abuse for the past 6 years. Although I have overcome a lot, I still have much more work ahead of me, work that requires a lifetime of attention and yet, I will likely die before fully healing from it all. Some things require Jesus’ return to have full resolution and justice.

For my family, alcoholism was a generational disease on both my mother’s and my father’s side, along with physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. Generational disease, or as the Bible refers to it, generational sin (Deuteronomy 5:9), is a very real cycle passed down by our parents and grandparents through learned behavior.

In order for the cycle to be broken, someone has to be willing to stop the previous behavior patterns and choose something different. This requires one thing: to speak the truth. It’s simply said but a very lonely, not-so-traveled road. Most of the time, it is hard for other members of the family who are not quite ready for the truth.

In my family the brave person who chose to step into the light of truth was my mother. After she began recovery it was like a permission slip for me to do the same. I could not wait to finally start talking about what we never talked about. As difficult as the truth was and as painful as it was for my other family members to hear, it felt much better than keeping the truth inside where it ate away at me daily.  I began to slowly realize why I was in so much pain and why I made such poor choices.

Jesus meant it when he said, “the truth will set you free.” It did for me. Not everyone was in the same place as me when I began recovery, and many of my relationships were strained. However, through the strength Christ gives when you choose this journey, I was able to hold firm boundaries while maintaining a loving perspective and acceptance of where they were in their lives.

The truth is funny, though; it has a way of making itself known without demanding attention or bullying its way in.  It reveals itself with such incredible timing in grand, undeniable ways. That’s because God is the truth and His Son, the light. When we choose to walk in God’s truth hand in hand with His son lighting the way, it ends up spreading and affecting everything it touches, including the relationships surrounding us.

The truth hurts, but only temporarily. Through it I have reached a place of acceptance and forgiveness and will continue to move through past hurts from my childhood and adulthood. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I have put many miles behind me already because I’m not doing it alone but with a Savior who understands my pain. Remember, Christ became like us so we could become like Him.

On days when recovery is hard and my character defects are overpowering me, I remind myself of God’s promises for my future. John shares with us in Revelation 22:2, the new city of Jerusalem, the streets of gold and the tree of life that bears new fruit each month. Then he says, “the leaves will be for the healing of the nations.” Our God knows that our pain is great, so great that we will continue to need healing even in our eternity. I pray we keep hope in that we will be completely healed one day.