Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ~John 8:32

Author Archives: saraha424


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The Season Of Change

Then God said, “Let light appear in the sky to separate the day from night. Let them be signs to mark the seasons, days, and years.” Genesis 1:14

I love the seasons’ changes. I love the anticipation of something new. It never fails; as soon as I get comfortable with one season, I become discontent and am ready for the next one. I like to think that is one of the reasons God gave us the ever-changing seasons; He knows His creation and knows that we are in need of constant change and transition. “As long as the earth remains, there will be planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night.” Genesis 8:22.

I love all four seasons equally and what each one represents. In the winter, I love oversized sweaters and crockpots full of yummy soups, and I appreciate the nakedness of the earth around me, preparing itself against the elements.

During the winter, I find myself dreaming of the hot summer sun and swimming in the ocean. It represents a time of leisure and enjoyment.

Fall and spring are such important seasons of the year. Fall time brings coolness to the warm air, beauty painted upon our trees and the hustle and bustle of the back-to-school grind. It’s a transition from a break to business in our lives, but more, it’s a representation of a season of preparation. Our earth goes into a dormant state.

All the while, spring is being prepared behind the leafless trees and beneath the frozen ground, “The flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come, and the cooing of the turtledoves fills the air.” Song of Songs 2:12. It’s a rebirthing of life, and before life there is emptiness, darkness. “Then God said, ‘Let there be light.’” Genesis 1:3.

Nature reflects creation produced by a God who represents love and care. As each season was brought into thought and each creature given life, the building of that love for His creation grew and grew until it peaked and human beings were born from His love and His mind. It’s a symphony, a procession of love building upon the next carefully thought up wonder and the pinnacle is man and woman.

All of creation reflects the same running themes: Life never stops moving, changing, transitioning; life itself has seasons which are both physical and spiritual; and the underlying purpose of the steadiness of change is growth.

I am in a perpetual state of spring at the moment and have been for a few years now. I have been giving birth and rearing up new life for 12 years, and I am on the precipice of delivering my fourth child. Now more than ever, I am aware of the significance that the seasons of life hold.

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The parallelisms displayed between nature and the life that we have been given reveals a much deeper meaning hidden within our daily lives. With insight and awareness of who our God is, we can begin to see the purpose of all that has been given—our lives, children, jobs, seasons—even time—it’s all a gift. Much of the gift is simply for us to savor, like summertime and enjoying the fruits of our labor. There are also parts of this gift that are necessary for growth, which often bring discomfort like the cold winters and the pain of child rearing.

But with the new season just upon the horizon, the seasons we may find ourselves in leave just as quickly as they came. As I sit here with my belly full of baby, I am fully aware of the season of life that I am experiencing. Most days I take for granted the time with my little ones, wondering when the daily routines that seem endless will, in fact, ever end. But, I remind myself that there will be a time, sooner rather than later, that I will try to reach far into my memories for the sweet sounds of my baby’s coos and the laughter of my daughters’ play.

As each season continues to rotate the year, and the years unfold into many years, I am going to continue to move through the springs, summers, falls, and winters of life with a mindful eye, a willingness to be open to experience all that God’s hands have in store for my life.


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Our “Normal” is Not Your “Normal”

And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. Ecclesiastes 3:14

My “normal” is not your “normal.” In fact, I would go so far as to say that there is no such thing. Everyone with a pulse—so that includes every human being and every creature in the animal kingdom—has been given “something.” We all have our trials, our burdens, and our time in the desert.

I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. (Ecclesiastes 3:10).

We all are forced to wait at some point and we are all put in uncomfortable circumstances. No one is exempt. These are the inevitable facts of life.

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But there are those few, let’s call them “chosen ones,” who seem to be given more than their fair share. Those are the people you read about on social media who have suffered tremendous amounts of pain and have endured more than enough strife for two lifetimes. For these people, it seems that they can’t catch a break.  It almost seems unfair. We read their stories and shake our heads in disbelief and maybe we say a prayer, but then we go back to our “normal” problems and think to ourselves, “My life isn’t so bad.”

I used to not identify with people like this; I used to hear their stories and have pity on them. I was in a lot of denial then. I’m not anymore.  Maybe it was a matter of acceptance, an unwillingness to see myself as a spectacle to others.  But the truth is, my family, my husband and our children, and even my extended family, our story is a spectacle. It is one of those things you hear about, and it makes you thankful for your own problems.

If you are just catching up to our story, you can visit my daughter’s FB page fightlikelivvy. But to make a long story short: I was sexually abused by my father and aunt during my childhood; my parents divorced well into my adulthood; my second daughter was born with a severe heart defect, had 5 open heart surgeries before age 3, the last one being a lifesaving heart transplant. My mother remarried a wonderful man, but he passed away after only 3 years of marriage from colon cancer. The same week we lost him my daughter with the heart transplant was diagnosed with lymphoma. We briefly lived in a place that couldn’t take care of her medically so we were forced to separate the family so our daughter could receive proper care (hubby is military). Oh, and we are expecting our 4th child in October! This is only the big major stuff without the details. There is so much more!

The truth has been scary to me and to my husband and extremely hard to accept, but we have had to come to terms with the truth about our Olivia; she is a very sick child. She always has been and she will always have to fight for her life here on earth. We have had to accept that God is the one who made her this way, not because He is a vengeful, vindictive God, but because He is, in fact, a merciful God.

The hardest thing that we have had to surrender to is the fact that we, my husband and I, will most likely bury our child. We don’t know if that is a year from now or twenty years, but we have had to be honest with ourselves for Olivia’s sake, that this is a likely possibility for her future.

Our “normal” is not your “normal.”  We have to have on-going conversations with Olivia and our oldest daughter Natalie about mortality, not only to prepare ourselves but, more importantly, to prepare Olivia. She is the one going through this. Death is not something to be ashamed of or something to deny. We believe in God’s power. We have seen it too many times not to believe it and trust it. But that doesn’t mean we are to be blind to the realities of her life.

Olivia needs an environment in which she can freely express her fears and emotions during her journey. She doesn’t need her parents and siblings limiting her experience because of our fears. It’s ultimately her journey and we are given the privilege to walk alongside her and help prepare her for her eternity. As parents, that is our job; we are supposed to be raising our children with the kingdom in mind, but for our family, our eternity isn’t a thing for the far-fetched future.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We don’t walk around talking about death all day every day, but it is a part of our weekly, nonchalant conversations, along with sexual purity, drug addiction and Christian world views. We are just in the position in which we have to have the conversations that no parents want to have: helping our children understand and cope with dying and leaving this earth to a place that we don’t really know much about.

He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

The Scriptures are rich, full of beautiful imagery of our destiny. We are excited and giddy when we speak of these things, but it is still scary.  Let’s face it, everyone will die, no one is exempt from it. There is a time to be born and a time to die. (Ecclesiastes 3:2).

We are all going to die. My children will die, my mother and husband, and I myself, will all die. Olivia is going to die. But I always tell her it won’t be a second before or a second after God has planned to take her home.  Our “normal” is not your “normal.” I hope that because of our story you look at your own lives with a greater appreciation and gratitude. Life is a gift!

And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. (Ecclesiastes 3:13).

Life truly is not ours. It is solely God’s business, His authority, to decide what to do with it. Please don’t feel sorry for us—we don’t—but be thankful and joyful for not having our “normal!”

 


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Why I Don’t Do Father’s Day!

Oh Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. Psalms 139:1.

Father’s Day has never been an easy day for me. Hallmark just doesn’t make cards that say, “Happy Father’s day…oh, and thanks for a childhood full of confusion and abuse.” It’s really sad, though. Each year I go through this rant of how I am going to write an honest, appropriate Father’s Day card to him. I say all the things he won’t hear, and I demand that he owns them and repent. But then I never do send it. Some years I send a simple text that states, “Thanks for my life.” Most years I bypass communication altogether.

Unfortunately, my dear husband, who is everything I wish my father had been to me, gets the short end of the stick. We usually are low key on the celebration. I just don’t want to be reminded of what I don’t have. I avoid social media in order not to provoke a “trigger” that takes me weeks to recover from.  But this year I am taking a chance and focusing on my husband, the father of my three—soon to be four—children.

For me, because of the abuse I received from my father, I have a hard time with men in general. I’m guarded and accusatorial when coming in contact with a man I don’t know. When my husband has hurt me or let me down (as people do), it’s catastrophic for me because the betrayals of my father have left deep scars.  I continue to allow the past hurts to hinder all logic and forgiveness when I am betrayed by anyone, especially by my husband.FullSizeRender

But, I want to see this day as an opportunity to celebrate the wonderful fathers that I do have in my life. Two of my three brothers have become fathers in recent years. They are not only exceptional fathers, but they have also shown my husband and me a thing or two about parenting. A few years ago my brother-in-law almost lost his family but he showed us what true repentance is, and I am witness to a true miracle! He is one of the most devoted daddies I have ever met. Then there is my late step father, my second chance daddy, who was taken home recently. He showed me and my siblings something we never saw from our biological dad: authentic, unconditional love for our mother. Last but not least, my favorite daddy, the father of my own children, my husband Anthony who has shown me time and time again what true fatherhood looks like. He shows unconditional love, laying his life aside for the needs of his children and leading by example—from his knees.

Instead of focusing on what I don’t have with my father, I am pledging to focus on what my children do have. Rather than feeling sorry for myself over what I was given by my father, which is a lifetime of hurt, I am going to focus on what he did give me: my life. Finally and most importantly, I’m going to focus on my real Father, the one who shaped me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13-14), for He is my one true Father who has carried and cared for me all my life.

I am going to pledge that when I become overwhelmed with the pain from my childhood and the psychological and sexual abuse my earthly father bestowed upon me, I will remind myself of what my true Abba Father has given me. When I reflect upon the things I have received from both my fathers, Abba has proven time and time again His never failing love, His faithful promises, His abundant grace, and His mounting blessings. Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise! No one can measure his greatness! Psalms 145:3.

Happy Father’s Day to Dads everywhere!


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“Moms” the Word

 

This past week, social media was flooded with mommy videos, that include, “what mom really wants for mother’s day”, funny mom stories, and my favorite, the tear jerking videos that reveal the truths about all the mommies of the world. Each video, whether it was a satire or heart felt, hold the same common truth about moms. We will do just about anything for our kids even when it makes us crazy.

I always enjoy my mother’s day. My husband and children go to great lengths to show me they love and appreciate me (I’m glad it’s a forced day to do so otherwise, I’m not sure it would ever happen). My favorite part of mother’s day is honoring the mothers in my life. I have the most incredible sisters and mom; they are true gems to me. Being far away from them is hard but my appreciation for each of them travels the miles.

Each of my sisters at some point, have been a mother to my children, “Just as a nursing mother cares for her children,” 1Thess. 2:7.  My older sister Megan took my eldest daughter, Natalie, every time Olivia had a surgery. I didn’t have to ask. She just expected that Natalie would be hers for the following weeks of surgery and recovery. What my sister did for me was give me the gift of peace of mind. Natalie was loved on and well taken care of when I needed to be at the recovery bed of my sick one. She was mom when I couldn’t be.

Fast forward a few years, when Olivia was diagnosed with PTLD in December. Both my sisters, Erin and Carissa (married to my 2 younger brothers) took turns taking care of Oliver and when the time came that we needed to focus on Olivia’s treatment, Erin and my brother Kevin took Oliver home with them. Again, peace of mind, and I knew he would be well taken care of, well fed, and well loved. Again, how do you repay someone who took over your most precious holy work?

My own mother has given her life to all five of us kids, “But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.” Luke 2:51.  Whenever we were going through crisis with our Olivia, my mom was a rock I could count on. The sky was the limit as to what she did to support Anthony and me and our family. She is the first example of Christ that I had in my life.966064_10151607615249933_2100377279_o

I deeply believe that women have been endowed with one of the greatest gifts given to mankind, the ability to be a mother. Every woman has been micro-chipped with instincts and sacrifice. It’s not a curse, it’s an honor. Not every woman is able to bear life; but to raise life up to glorify Him, YES! All women are called to do that. Some of us have the honor to feel life and have biological children, but our motherhood should not stop there, it should extend out to the whole world. It is our duty to be mothers to all the children of the world.

“Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.” Genesis 3:20.

A mother’s love is mighty and can help heal hearts. A mother’s love is rich; it sacrifices until the job is done. A mother’s love is universal; it has no bounds to one language. Her love speaks for itself.

I have many mommy friends that have given me incredible examples of being a universal mom. When they have been unable to conceive, they have traveled many miles, sometimes to China or Korea to be a mother to a child who doesn’t have one. They have taken their dark barren hopelessness and made it a light in a child’s life. I know a mommy that has 3 of her own children but still grew her family all the way from the Congo. I know countless mommies that have opened their home and hearts to motherless babies and children. Thank you for showing the world who Christ is. Often times, being a mom is the best platform to spread the message of Christ to everyone around us.

Being a mother should be celebrated. I challenge every woman to embrace that which has been given. It’s not something to be ashamed of and it’s not a crutch, it’s a gift!

“As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13


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I Need Recovery!

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13

It occurred to me the other day how low my self-confidence really is.  It caught me off guard and reminded me just how much I need continual recovery, not only from my childhood abuse but from my own thinking.

I was getting into the shower when I discovered there was no hot water. I checked the hot water tank and sure enough it was off. So I began to reignite it by following the very specific instructions on the tank. It may seem silly but this was a huge accomplishment! I am very insecure and have many “obsessive thinking” types of fear. I was terrified the entire time that the hot water tank was going to blow up in my face. I had gone to lengths in my mind how I would try to escape the flames and save my children. Ever do that? I hope I’m not the only one!

I shared this story with my mom and a few days later she reminded me of our family history, our family’s disease. She planted the seed that my lack of confidence in myself to perform a simple task is deeply rooted in my behavior and thinking that has been passed down from generations through alcoholism.

12417535_10154031575859933_1855565112789213995_nI have been in recovery from my childhood sexual abuse for the past 6 years. Although I have overcome a lot, I still have much more work ahead of me, work that requires a lifetime of attention and yet, I will likely die before fully healing from it all. Some things require Jesus’ return to have full resolution and justice.

For my family, alcoholism was a generational disease on both my mother’s and my father’s side, along with physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. Generational disease, or as the Bible refers to it, generational sin (Deuteronomy 5:9), is a very real cycle passed down by our parents and grandparents through learned behavior.

In order for the cycle to be broken, someone has to be willing to stop the previous behavior patterns and choose something different. This requires one thing: to speak the truth. It’s simply said but a very lonely, not-so-traveled road. Most of the time, it is hard for other members of the family who are not quite ready for the truth.

In my family the brave person who chose to step into the light of truth was my mother. After she began recovery it was like a permission slip for me to do the same. I could not wait to finally start talking about what we never talked about. As difficult as the truth was and as painful as it was for my other family members to hear, it felt much better than keeping the truth inside where it ate away at me daily.  I began to slowly realize why I was in so much pain and why I made such poor choices.

Jesus meant it when he said, “the truth will set you free.” It did for me. Not everyone was in the same place as me when I began recovery, and many of my relationships were strained. However, through the strength Christ gives when you choose this journey, I was able to hold firm boundaries while maintaining a loving perspective and acceptance of where they were in their lives.

The truth is funny, though; it has a way of making itself known without demanding attention or bullying its way in.  It reveals itself with such incredible timing in grand, undeniable ways. That’s because God is the truth and His Son, the light. When we choose to walk in God’s truth hand in hand with His son lighting the way, it ends up spreading and affecting everything it touches, including the relationships surrounding us.

The truth hurts, but only temporarily. Through it I have reached a place of acceptance and forgiveness and will continue to move through past hurts from my childhood and adulthood. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I have put many miles behind me already because I’m not doing it alone but with a Savior who understands my pain. Remember, Christ became like us so we could become like Him.

On days when recovery is hard and my character defects are overpowering me, I remind myself of God’s promises for my future. John shares with us in Revelation 22:2, the new city of Jerusalem, the streets of gold and the tree of life that bears new fruit each month. Then he says, “the leaves will be for the healing of the nations.” Our God knows that our pain is great, so great that we will continue to need healing even in our eternity. I pray we keep hope in that we will be completely healed one day.


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The Only Truth

We love because He first loved us. 1 John4:19

I have been thinking about the cross, anticipating the celebration of Christ’s victory over death in His resurrection. Since my Olivia was born, I have had this obsession with understanding suffering (you can tell by reading my past blogs).  Every time I try to understand life, grace, forgiveness and Christ, it always boils down to suffering. When I am struggling to understand myself, my husband or my other relationships, it inevitably leads me back to the very beginning. I haven’t read any other book in the bible as much as I have read and re-read Genesis.

When I want to understand why I have control issues as a woman or why my husband seems disconnected it’s all there in the fall of our original parents, Adam and Eve. It was the biggest fail, an epic fall from grace. We were in the full presence of God and that life as we knew it was completely undone. Not to put the blame on Adam and Eve because since then, we have all added to the pile of sin that has become the world around us.

When I read through the fall two things become clear to me, that is, the world is perverted and that it has to be undone. First, the world perverted means the inside out of things, meaning, our world is literally upside down and inside out. Nothing makes sense because nothing is upright! Second, we need someone to fix it. Since we were created by a thoughtful, loving God, and we as His people, spoiled the creation, we are not capable of fixing it. We need a champion! Jesus is that champion and when we add him to the equation it becomes clear that in order to fix the perversion, the opposite of what we expect has to occur. To put bluntly, because the world is upside down, the way to fix it is to do the backward thing! Someone had to take responsibility. God asked His Son. Jesus accepted.

As co-heirs in Christ, when we choose to walk in His light, we choose to walk in love. Love is the answer. His life was the highest display of love. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

That is the sole definition of God—absolute, makes no sense, head over heels, in love with us! When it comes down to it, love is what remains. It is what saved us and it is what first bore us. It is what inspired our life and it is not gone after death. In fact, love is all that remains once our flesh is in the ground until the day of Christ’s return. Love. He made us from His self out of love, we betrayed Him, and He wins us back through the greatest display of love, dying on the cross.

We are a precious masterpiece to our God. We were created by a mindful, enthusiastic, colorful Master. We are His pinnacle, His crown jewel, His reason for creating all the heavens and the earth. Just like any other Craftsman, his creation is very much connected to him. We are God’s extension of himself. We carry his characteristics in both men and women. All of creation points to His direction and His creation says one thing:  LOVE!

We were made from love and are made to love. Real love, the selfless love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4. That is how we, as co-heirs, help bring the world out of sin, out of suffering. That is what our spirit is, His love poured into us! He calls us to love because He loved us first. That’s the purpose of pain, because Christ did it we have to share in it as well.

Jesus taught us through his life, but most importantly, in his death, that his suffering was for the greater good of all. So in our lives, our sufferings might be for the greater good of someone else. We may not see or understand it but if we look at our pain with a purpose, then we might come to a place of acceptance and truly be able to praise God during our pain.

The connection to love and suffering is like the connection of a mother giving birth; A suffering that is deemed necessary because of love.

I pray that we see suffering as an opportunity for God to be glorified. I pray that we see love as the only truth and the only answer. I pray we see that our pain has a purpose. I pray all of these things,

In Jesus Name, Amen.

 


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Let the Spirit Move You

Do not quench the Spirit. 1 Thessalonians 5:19

The Spirit has been at work. I have had many lessons this week. My mom shared a spirit-filled experience with me.

The other day she was at “group” and was asked by her lady friends if she’d like to have lunch. My mom was honest and told them she wasn’t “in the mood” as she is still very much grieving the loss of her husband. After “group” finished she took her car to get the oil changed. While she was there the cashier asked her why she wasn’t smiling, and if she could just give one smile. My mother replied with a level of honesty that most people avoid, “I don’t have anything to smile about right now. I just lost my husband a month ago.” The man quickly apologized.

A woman who was being helped at the front turned around towards my mother with her eyes filled with tears. She then told my mom that she just lost her husband a year ago. They shared a few things and then embraced one another.

The point is that if my mom had not been honest about not wanting to go to lunch and avoided her feelings, she would have missed this opportunity. If she had not again answered with honesty about how she really felt, she would have missed out on connecting with a complete stranger who also needed to comfort.

That’s what Jesus was all about: Relationships. Doing life together. Living in the truth. Allowing God to provide while being open to experience all the honest emotions that life throws our way.

Then my own child showed me this very same thing. I am learning a great deal from my child. As she continues through this painful journey of chemotherapy, she is showing us how to live. Every day she has another thing that she has to accept. She has feelings and fears. Her hair has started to fall out which has proven to be very difficult for her and us.

But I see her working every day. I see her fighting, physically, to recover, but more so, I see her spiritual battle, this inner working. I see her allowing God and His spirit to lead her through this battle field. She draws and writes almost every day, expressing herself through the pictures. I like to call it her art therapy.

A few days ago she drew this:

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I was frightened when I saw it. I took myself to the bathroom and cried. She posted it to our refrigerator. Yet another lesson. Olivia is allowing all that she feels, all that she is experiencing to just happen. She’s letting the spirit direct her and it’s leading her to the  truth. I know many adults who are not able to let their feelings guide them to a place of raw honesty.

That is what our feelings do: guide us to a place of truth and surrender. It is in the acknowledgment of the truth that we are set free. Christ said it. It is the only way to surrender to God’s plan.

Since seeking recovery six yeas ago, I have been living in such a place. The truth is the only way in our home. But, I have to admit, my daughter’s mortality hanging in the front part of my mind has me wanting to hide from the truth. I have to keep myself in a constant awareness of Christ and His father, who knows all too well the fears I have over my child.

I pray that each of us allow our current circumstances to transform us. It brings purpose to the pain and draws us closer to our God. Remember He knows our temptations and our fears. Christ was fully human, but He is fully God as well, which makes Him a Savior who understands us but knows how to save us. I pray we first seek the truth and then invite the spirit into our space, allowing Christ to take control and God to change our hearts.

I pray these things in Jesus’ name, amen.


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God Is Still Good

I’m going to use this opportunity as a new blogger to share about my daughter’s new diagnosis. My 9-year-old Olivia was born with a severe heart condition and required many open heart surgeries that inevitably led her to a heart transplant. It was her 5th open heart surgery and one that has changed the course of her life.

It’s such a funny thing, all that has happened over the past 30 days. It seems unreal, too unrealistic. Even the best screenplay writers couldn’t come up with this stuff.  It’s all been too much.

My beloved step-father rapidly started to decline Christmas night. I made plans to fly home to say goodbye.  A few days after Christmas I jumped on a plane with my 3 children. My middle child, my heart baby, Olivia, had been “sick” since moving to El Paso back in October. But her symptoms the month of December were alarming to me and my husband; I spent weeks taking her to one doctor after another. No one knew. No one could have predicted what was looming.

We arrived Monday. By Tuesday evening I was done. I took her to the emergency room at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. All her doctors were there and all her records. I felt relieved the moment I stepped in. After an x-ray and an ultrasound Olivia’s cardiologist was notified, and she “just so happened” to be on call that night so she had her admitted under her service. The next day Olivia had a CT scan. Wednesday my husband arrived and Olivia underwent a biopsy of one of her lymph nodes.  We waited through the weekend for results.

We have waited before. Only 7 years ago we found ourselves at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital spending New Year’s Eve with our baby girl waiting on a new heart. This waiting was different.

Monday night, a week after arriving in Nashville, Olivia was officially diagnosis with PTLD, Post-transplant lymphoproliferative disease.

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We knew this was possible. We were told; we signed documents proving we understood the risks. We knew that her heart transplant was an exchange of one set of issues for another. We also knew Olivia needed a new heart. We made the choice. We signed the dotted line. We knew but we had no other choice.

PTLD is a form of lymphoma that occurs after organ transplant due to the antirejection medication that is required to maintain the graft. But it is an immune suppressant drug and directly affects the lymphatic system.

Olivia had her first round of chemo on Wednesday. My wonderful step-father left the world on Thursday night. We buried him Friday.

This is how I know God. If my father had not been ill, I would have never gotten on the plane. I would have never gotten Olivia to the ER. He laid out a path at my feet and escorted me through it. Except it wasn’t so eloquent. I had known for months that something dire was happening to my child and couldn’t get her help. I fought God tooth and nail on why He put us in a city that could not help her. But when it came down to it, she was placed in the perfect situation where everyone that needed to be there was there. The universe was aligned and His plan executed.

This is how I know God. People, His people, Christ’s people came to our aid. They provided comfort to our family and my extended family that had been spread too thin between my father’s passing and Olivia’s diagnosis.

There are many unknowns. What I know is that Olivia is mad. Her dad and I are mad and her big sister is mad. We hate cancer, also a fact.  Another truth: no child/children should have to understand his or her mortality in the way that my children do at this very moment. Death is not natural. It was never meant to be this way. Decay is sin. Body and spirit separated by death, sin. Jesus, come quickly.

One last truth: God is good. He was good before my father passed and He is still good. He was good before Olivia received her news and He will remain good through treatment. And if He decides to take my baby girl home, He will still be good.

Sarah

Sarah Apa


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The Gift of a Child

“This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths lying in a manger.” (Luke 2:12)

 

My oldest daughter just had a birthday. She is now 11 years old. Baby girl, turn young woman over night.  She loves Christmas. It’s appropriate since her name in Hebrew means Christmas tree. She was an unexpected, unplanned surprise for her daddy and me. We were young, ill-equipped and unmarried. But we had love.

Natalie was not planned by her parents but she was carefully knit together by a Master Craftsman. He intended her to be just as she is. We delight and marvel at what a precious young woman she is blossoming into.

Whenever my children’s birthdays come around, I always get a little melancholy, reminiscing of their milestones, their challenges, memories of dance recitals and their first time riding a bike. I think of how much joy and delight I have in them, how precious their lives are to me, and how much God has blessed me to be the one that they are entrusted to.

Then I think: our God loves us like that too, but even more so. “As a mother comforts her child so I comfort you.” (Isaiah 66:13)  As grand as my love is for my children, even on my “best mommy” day, my love does not compare to God’s.

And even if you are not a mother, you still love and, therefore, understand the grand-scale love I am talking about. It’s a kind of love worth fighting for, a love that requires sacrifice and attention. Yet, this love still falls short of the tremendous, wondrous, extraordinary, exalted, magnified love of our Abba, Father God!

I know without hesitation that my greatest earthly blessings are my children and husband. I know what a gift each child’s life is. I have learned more about God’s love for me through the tough lessons of motherhood. All the while, I know I am not doing this alone but with a Creator who knows my innermost thoughts because He crafted me carefully as well.

I find it absolutely perfect when I think about how God’s love story for all of His creation unfolds. What does God choose to do to win back his people? The solution was lying in a manger. “A child born to us.” (Isaiah 9:6) A child! The greatest example of pure love was given to us by our God. He gave us His own child, a son, so that we may have life.

As a mother, I have given life. I continue to give my life, but I cannot comprehend giving my child’s life. That is how we know God’s love. He found us worthy of such a sacrifice. “And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, and Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

Sarah

Sarah Apa


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I’m Going to Thank God Anyway!

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21

I often empathize with Job. He was a good guy. He loved God and yet found himself the target of Satan’s hate. Recently, my empathy has turned into full-blown grief as I watch my beloved stepfather, prepare to leave this world.

My mother married a wonderful man three years ago. Both had suffered tremendous abuse in their previous marriages. God has blessed them with a beautiful union. Never has there been a greater example of Christ’s love to the church than with these two people. Every time I am with them I learn how I want to be in my own marriage. The core of their love is deeply rooted in Christ’s message: to love each other above oneself.

FullSizeRenderTime was a factor for them from the beginning. My step dad says things like, “What person would willingly love and choose to marry someone full of cancer? Oh, I know, my angel.”  They have chosen not to waste a minute.

As my step dad’s illness grows progressively worse, he has become more and more grateful, praising God for all the time he has with my mom. He has this ability to just let the past go and completely surrender. All the while, he is in extreme, debilitating, take-your-breath-away pain. Yet, he is praise-fully happy to be alive.

I suppose it is at that level of pain that we are broken of our selfish thinking, our regret, our anger. When we experience that level of anguish, we have to make the choice to surrender and fully accept it.

Seeing someone you love slowly prepare to leave this physical world is one of the most unusual things to witness. It has to be both excruciating to watch and radiant with God’s grace. It is sad to hear him talk about the end but magnificent to hear him talk about his future and to hear him share about life, people, his choices, and his acceptance. To fully own his life and fully surrender it all at once is a lesson I take with me daily.

Sometimes I want to feel sorry for people like Job or like my mom and step dad. It’s easy to do. Job was in God’s favor, a loyal servant, but he was heavily afflicted and seemed to be punished. But in the midst of it all, Job stayed faithful and never once took the Lord’s name in vain. God blessed Job for his faithfulness.

Job’s story gives me hope. When I see those around me or find myself among the afflicted, He promises to remain faithful. He asks only that we find a way to stay faithful also.

My mom has shared a lot of her experience, and she admits her anger at times with God. But she also shared that when she came to the point of complete despair, she was embraced with open arms by Christ. When she was bent and broken enough to ask for help, Jesus was waiting to save her. It was in those moments that she felt covered in perfect peace, like being washed by the purest water. She immediately knew that she was in His protection and love and that He was going to take care of it all.

God has made enormous statements that proclaim victories found only in His son Christ Jesus. He has promised to make all things new, all things right, and all things good. He will wipe every tear, right every wrong, and fulfill every promise! He did with Job and He will again for all of us.

I heard someone recently put it perfectly: “What a high honor and such high esteem you must find yourself in if God has entrusted so much pain to you. Count yourself blessed to be given such a responsibility.”

My mother has written accounts of her experiences with her dying husband. Some are journal entries, some are poems, most are prayers. She has given me permission to share a very intimate poem that describes her days with her beloved man. She hopes it will help all who find themselves among the afflicted.

 

I am where I want to be.

My life is full of life. My life is full of death.

I am swept away by grief. Joy lifts me off my feet.

Sometimes I am alone. I am never alone.

I am where I want to be.

My eyes cannot bear to see the frailty of the body.

My nose senses disease and decay.

My hands caress and feel the bones.

I am where I want to be.

My former life is gone.

Today my lover needs my care.

I hold his hand. I stand by.

The days are long. The days are short.

Then I kiss his mouth; oh, it tastes so sweet.

I watch him sleep.

I am where I want to be.

                                                           ~Michelle Vickers

Sarah

Sarah Apa