Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ~John 8:32

Author Archives: saraha424


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Too Heavy to Carry

Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be living in El Paso, I would have laughed in their face! To top that, if someone had told me two years ago that I would have a third child, be homeschooling my kids and getting ready to plant a church, I would probably have smacked them!

Just this past year my husband was finally given the go sign (that would be by me) to explore the possibility of joining the military. After a long, grueling few months of paperwork and interviews, Anthony was accepted into the United States Army as a pharmacist.

From there, our lives have been moving at rapid speed. I have to be honest — I’m totally overwhelmed! We arrived last week in El Paso and nothing has gone as planned. Complications keep arising, and my husband and I are feeling a lot of pressure. The weight of responsibility rests right on my shoulders! I literally can’t stand up straight because I’m so “heavy” with stress and worry.IMG_8837

But just today as the children and I were reading the day’s focus verse in school, I was reminded of how I need to approach all of the chaos. Jesus says that his “yoke is easy” and his “burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). I am not in control of any of the current circumstances. There is only so much that Anthony and I can do.  But isn’t that the truth? Aren’t we expected to do our part but then step aside and let God take over the rest?

When we decided to wear Christ in baptism, when we emerged from that water, we made a bold commitment that states: “When life is too heavy, we will choose to  carry only the burden of Christ.” His load is light compared to the constant, pounding pressures that the world burdens us with. After this week, it is crystal clear that I’m not strong enough to withstand the pressures of this world. Dear sisters, I am grateful. I can’t handle it — and I don’t have to. Guess what? Neither do you!

As sisters in Christ, let us boldly profess that we will not be conformed to the world’s expectations. Let us accept ourselves exactly as we are at this moment, not perfect but progressing. Let us wear the easy, smooth yoke set before us by a Savior who is in love with us!

Sarah

Sarah Apa


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Beautiful Pain

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

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She was born in mid-September at the Med in downtown Memphis. It was fast. She looked perfect. But hidden just beneath the surface was a tiny heart that was, oh, so broken!

Olivia Ann.

She has suffered more pain than most would ever endure in a lifetime. But like Jesus, her pain was not in vain. She had a very complicated heart defect. It required many surgeries that held no guarantees. By the time she was two years old, her tiny, fragile heart could no longer keep pace with her growing body, and she was placed on the heart transplant list.

Like Olivia’s heart, broken and underdeveloped, my spiritual heart was in the same condition. It wasn’t long after she entered the world that I began to understand some of the characteristics of God that my pain had kept me from seeing.

You see, I was broken from my childhood—scarred from abuse and living in a constant state of torment. I carried with me the pain that I had suffered and the choices I had made based on that abuse. Being witness to Olivia’s life and watching God faithfully restore her with a heart transplant gave me insight into why suffering is a beautiful part of life.

Jesus’s suffering on the cross was tremendous, bloody, the worst. Yet the beauty found just outside that pain is awesome, cleansing, the best. It’s life wrapped up in the highest of glory.

Olivia’s surgeries were terrifying, gruesome, the worst. But worth all the agony. She’s alive because of them. Her pain was my calling from God. His outpouring to reach me. I believe it was His attempt to restore my heart as well.

It’s been six years since Olivia received her new heart. After years of walking hand in hand with Christ through the pain of my childhood, I have discovered the deep connection between tremendous, life-changing pain, the daily pain of dying to yourself, and the gospel. Paul says it best in Romans 8:17: since we are “co-heirs with Christ,” we can experience his sufferings and share in the glory of that suffering!

I want to be transformed through the pains of life. That transformation brings purpose to the pain. As Philippians 3:10 says: “I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participate in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death….”

Sarah Apa

Sarah Apa


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The Fantasy vs. The Nitty Gritty

fresh shower“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” Luke 1:45

When I was younger, I imagined accepting an Academy Award for Best Actress. My life as an “adult” is much less glamorous. I now role-play in my shower time (literally the only time of day my kids leave me alone!) that my housewife, stay-at-home mother-of-three lifestyle is picture perfect.

I fantasize about how romantic my relationship is with my husband. In my daydreams, he is a perfect gentleman and meets all my emotional needs with sensitivity and affection. I have the three most well behaved children who are polite and quiet.

I envision myself perfectly put together like one of those Stepford wives complete with heels, pearls and apron, and polished off with perfectly coiffed hair, ruby red lips and immaculately manicured nails. My waistline appears as though I had never had children, and I have not one frown line upon my brow.

I smile and hum as I create five-course meals for my family daily. I have patience with my children, I teach them with grace and confidence and I always know what to say.

I am submissive and respectful to my husband, delighting in taking second place to his wants and needs and bowing to the needs of the children. I cook, clean and sew, and I am of service to my church as I volunteer for everything!

Behind closed doors after the little angels are tucked safely into their beds, I still have the energy and desire to be intimate with my husband. I guess you could say I have it all together.

Jealous? Don’t be. It’s not even close to the reality I’m living.

Here’s the real picture.  I have a great relationship with my hubby. But most days it’s not without effort from both of us. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have three children who are not exactly perfect, but they sure are loads of fun, quite compassionate and delightfully energetic!

My waistline looks like I have carried three children, maybe more. I definitely like to put myself together when I leave the house, and I especially like Sunday morning as it is an excuse to dress nicely and feel pretty for once rather than being covered in food, sweat and snot. Most days I’m lucky to get a shower.

I do make three meals a day for the five of us, sometimes more, because my little boy, my youngest, is the PICKIEST eater EVER!

I can assure you I do not always do these things with a smile on my face. Sometimes these daily tasks are met with disdain as I recall doing the exact same thing the day before.

What? I’m supposed to feed them every day? Yes, and that’s exactly what I do. Some people would define this as insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. And that’s how I feel most days—insane. There’s never enough of me to go around. By the end of the day I have very little left to give.

Then the real torture sets in. The guilt. I should have done better. Why did I overeat? Why couldn’t I have had more patience? Why didn’t I say this? Why did I say that? Why couldn’t I be everything everyone needs me to be?!

After all the groveling has passed, I remind myself of some simple truths. I may not “feel” like I am enough, but I am.  God would not have entrusted so much to me if He hadn’t thought I could do it…with His help, of course.

In fact, He has given me the task to raise up these three children and to be the best wife I can be so that I can learn to lean on Him rather than trying to bear it alone (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I will experience defeat at the end of each day that I choose to do this task by myself. Or I can take the strength that is found only in knowing Christ, and I can choose to live in the corner of His bountiful grace.

That way, when I do stumble in the depths of motherhood—this sacred work that has been entrusted to me, to mold these little people into big instruments for God’s use—I can know for certain that it requires help.

How could I possibly think that I could do such a momentous job without the guidance and wisdom spoken from God’s Holy word? Very simply, I can’t. At least, I can’t do it with the intension of raising them as Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15).

So I step out of the shower. Once I dry off, wipe the mirror down, and take a look at my reflection, I realize that the five minute daydream about how I wish life were is not so appealing after all. My children hear the water stop and rush into my bathroom, and I count my blessings as I sit in this unglamorous, messy, beautiful, exhausting, deep-soul-work job of motherhood. It is then that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Sarah

Sarah Apa