Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ~John 8:32


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We Belong to the Light

In the past you were full of darkness, but now you are full of light in the Lord. So live like children who belong to the light. Light brings every kind of goodness, right living, and truth. 
Ephesians 5:8-9 (NCV)

Do you get as tired of winter as I do? It’s the darkness that gets me down—so many gray, cloudy days with no sunshine in sight. Yuck! I’m so glad yesterday was the first day of spring. I’m ready for warm days and sunny skies.

Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD—what an appropriate acronym!). Do you realize that although there are treatments for those of us who need more light, there has not been a single treatment developed for anyone who craves more darkness? Have you ever heard of anyone who wants to be in deeper darkness and despair? No, I didn’t think so.

One of the things I miss in the wintertime are the flowers. Well, everything about me except my sinuses misses them, anyway. I wish I had real flowers on my table all year long like Chick-fil-A does—one of the many reasons I love eating there. Yes, I know there are plants you can grow inside all year. Unfortunately, I have two black thumbs—give me a plant and I can kill it within weeks. I’ve just about resigned myself to artificial ones. They require only a little dusting occasionally, and as long as no one gets too close and tries to smell them, nowadays they could almost pass for real ones.

Farmer's hand watering a young plant in sunshine

So far, the only reprieve in my plant killing spree is a shamrock a dear friend brought to me when I had cancer surgery three years ago. I’ve almost done it in a few times, but it must be very hardy because with a little fertilizer and water, it perks right up. But the delicate little white blooms I love so much don’t appear often. Maybe I could coax it to bloom more if I’d be willing to spend the time to pamper it, but that obviously takes more effort than I’m willing to expend. And, besides, you know—the black thumb thing. I’m just grateful it’s still hanging on despite my abuse.

But I digress. I actually could go with several lines of thought here, such as the quality of care we expend on our relationships causing them to either flourish or die. Maybe another day. Right now, I’m headed in a different direction related to the Scripture above, Ephesians 5:8-9.

Where is the spot in your kitchen that’s the darkest corner available, maybe the place you store your potatoes? Try as I may, I can’t find a place where they won’t sprout. Of course, that has a lot to do with how long I can forget I have them, but it doesn’t take long at all. And it really doesn’t matter how dark and secluded the spot I’ve chosen for them.

It takes only a little ray of light to begin the process of growth which, of course, is my point. In this often troubled and dark world we inhabit, it takes only the tiniest ray of light and hope from God to trigger the growth of His love, no matter how cold and dark the heart may have grown.

We were all full of darkness until the Lord brought us into the light. Our task now is to “live like children who belong to the light” and to share that light through “every kind of goodness, right living and truth.”

sky-bright-sunshine behind cloudsLet’s commit to bringing God’s light into at least one person’s world today. Sometimes all it takes is a smile, a listening ear, and a reminder that God is in control. His love can reach into the darkest hole where the evil one wants our shame to drive us. There we try in vain to hide from God. But God’s light can always find a way into hearts we thought were long dead. And when it does, it produces a life full of hope and joy which then overflows into the lives of those around us.

Won’t it be glorious when we no longer need worry about clouds covering the sun because our light will emanate from the awesome presence of God’s Son!


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The Only Truth

We love because He first loved us. 1 John4:19

I have been thinking about the cross, anticipating the celebration of Christ’s victory over death in His resurrection. Since my Olivia was born, I have had this obsession with understanding suffering (you can tell by reading my past blogs).  Every time I try to understand life, grace, forgiveness and Christ, it always boils down to suffering. When I am struggling to understand myself, my husband or my other relationships, it inevitably leads me back to the very beginning. I haven’t read any other book in the bible as much as I have read and re-read Genesis.

When I want to understand why I have control issues as a woman or why my husband seems disconnected it’s all there in the fall of our original parents, Adam and Eve. It was the biggest fail, an epic fall from grace. We were in the full presence of God and that life as we knew it was completely undone. Not to put the blame on Adam and Eve because since then, we have all added to the pile of sin that has become the world around us.

When I read through the fall two things become clear to me, that is, the world is perverted and that it has to be undone. First, the world perverted means the inside out of things, meaning, our world is literally upside down and inside out. Nothing makes sense because nothing is upright! Second, we need someone to fix it. Since we were created by a thoughtful, loving God, and we as His people, spoiled the creation, we are not capable of fixing it. We need a champion! Jesus is that champion and when we add him to the equation it becomes clear that in order to fix the perversion, the opposite of what we expect has to occur. To put bluntly, because the world is upside down, the way to fix it is to do the backward thing! Someone had to take responsibility. God asked His Son. Jesus accepted.

As co-heirs in Christ, when we choose to walk in His light, we choose to walk in love. Love is the answer. His life was the highest display of love. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

That is the sole definition of God—absolute, makes no sense, head over heels, in love with us! When it comes down to it, love is what remains. It is what saved us and it is what first bore us. It is what inspired our life and it is not gone after death. In fact, love is all that remains once our flesh is in the ground until the day of Christ’s return. Love. He made us from His self out of love, we betrayed Him, and He wins us back through the greatest display of love, dying on the cross.

We are a precious masterpiece to our God. We were created by a mindful, enthusiastic, colorful Master. We are His pinnacle, His crown jewel, His reason for creating all the heavens and the earth. Just like any other Craftsman, his creation is very much connected to him. We are God’s extension of himself. We carry his characteristics in both men and women. All of creation points to His direction and His creation says one thing:  LOVE!

We were made from love and are made to love. Real love, the selfless love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4. That is how we, as co-heirs, help bring the world out of sin, out of suffering. That is what our spirit is, His love poured into us! He calls us to love because He loved us first. That’s the purpose of pain, because Christ did it we have to share in it as well.

Jesus taught us through his life, but most importantly, in his death, that his suffering was for the greater good of all. So in our lives, our sufferings might be for the greater good of someone else. We may not see or understand it but if we look at our pain with a purpose, then we might come to a place of acceptance and truly be able to praise God during our pain.

The connection to love and suffering is like the connection of a mother giving birth; A suffering that is deemed necessary because of love.

I pray that we see suffering as an opportunity for God to be glorified. I pray that we see love as the only truth and the only answer. I pray we see that our pain has a purpose. I pray all of these things,

In Jesus Name, Amen.

 


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In God I Trust

In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
Psalm 56:4

In this election season, we have been inundated with information, both true and false, about all of the candidates. Debates, some of which have turned into yelling matches, fill our screens and minds.

As one after the other candidate does his or her best to win our votes, I have often been left feeling fearful. What does all of this back and forth mean for the future of our country? What does it mean to me? How will our country survive if so-and-so wins?

These types of thoughts remind me of what happens when I take my eyes off of God. I am not fearful when I’m singing in the choir at church. Nor am I afraid when I read His word about leading the Israelites out of bondage. But when I turn over my well being to one candidate or another, then I am scared.

vote for me-reducedTo hear the Presidential candidates tell it, our world will not survive unless we cast the correct vote. While I take my voting responsibility seriously, I beg to differ with this type of fear mongering.

As long as God is on His throne (which shall be forever), “in God I trust and am not afraid.”

It is tempting to give ourselves over to wailing and gnashing of teeth, especially when our daily lives are impacted by the policies that each candidate touts. But I’m wondering what would happen if we spent as much time studying the Bible as we do listening to the arguments of men and women, all of whom have something to gain by the outcome of their persuasive tactics.

As the psalmist so eloquently puts it, when I praise God’s word, “what can mere mortals do to me?”

Many times in Scripture, we are told that if we place our trust in God, we have nothing to fear. When we allow the evil one control of our hearts and minds, fear runs rampant and we lose the ability to reason and our discussion devolves into slings and arrows.

Just think how different the political landscape might be if debates actually centered around how each candidate will guide the nation toward the light. Regardless of what is being said, what if we listen with an ear toward God’s will for us? It might not change the nature of the debate but it will surely change the way we feel about what is being said.

When we tremble in fear at the sound of the rabble rousers, we are left powerless against them. Let’s not give away our power. Our country and our neighbors need us standing for what is right, and our God expects it.

Now and forever, our God reigns! Once we stand on that promise, there is no room for fear.

So this week, I challenge us as thinking, caring, passionate women of God to keep Him and his promises in mind when we are rehashing public debate. Rather than agonizing over what could happen if this one or that one wins, let’s encourage each other to raise our own standards and remember whose we are.

We might support a certain candidate or party, but we do not “belong” to one party or the other. We belong to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. As long as we are His, we have nothing to fear.


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Authentic Fellowship

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:7-8

 

Earlier this week, someone told me I am the most well adjusted person he knows. To really appreciate this comment, it should be said this is an exceptionally wise person. If he weren’t a resident of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, he’d probably live high in the Himalayan Mountains. People would climb the treacherous cliffs just to ask him deep questions about the meaning of life. Then, he would stroke his long, white beard thoughtfully and answer with something like, “Life is like macaroni and cheese…” and no one would understand his philosophical and enigmatic responses. This is why I started to wonder how I could seem so well adjusted—like I said, he’s a super smart dude.

Kids of preachers and pastors (P.K.’s) are often skilled at making it look like we’ve got it all figured out. Even if no one ever tells you to get your act together because the members of your father’s congregation are looking at you, you can sense it. You sit on the front pew and feel the eyes boring in to your ponytail. You just know they’re watching to see if you fight with your sisters or get too many desserts at the Sunday night potluck dinner. After a while, it’s possible to forget what you really think or feel and only live in the expectations you’ve absorbed from that front pew.

But it’s not just for P.K.’s. Being truly authentic will always be a struggle for some of us. And now, with the advent of Facebook, it’s even harder. We’ve all become professional image consultants and fact spinners. We’ll post parenting failures and cooking disasters but only to the extent we can control the story. We want to look fallible without looking like a total failure. It’s like the girl who said, “I know this is bad but I’ve never donated blood before. I feel horrible about it but you have to weigh more than 100 lbs.” Yeah, you feel really bad about being TOO SKINNY. That’s like a backhanded compliment, but with opposite intentions.

Of course, it’s possible to be overly transparent. Status updates about eating your placenta or how your marriage is falling apart may be crossing the line. Mark Zuckerberg may think that should be in my newsfeed but I beg to differ. Transparency is one thing. Ripping open your guts and showing us the contents of your large intestines are another.

So how do I live a life of authenticity? How do I set aside what others think of me and just be honest? Does it involve not wearing mascara and never shaving my legs? Who knows. Maybe it’s different for everybody. What I do know is that I prefer to spend time with people who are honest about their flaws but not consumed by them. They are so busy being interested in others they don’t have time to focus on their own mess. Their mess is out there, not white-washed and swept under the rug, but there for a reason—to keep them humble and grounded and accessible.

I can’t say it any better than The Velveteen Rabbit:

“’Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

woman-1031000 copy‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’”

Many thanks to Abby Rosser for our guest post today. Abby is the author of Oh to Grace and a weekly columnist for “The Daily News Journal.” You can follow her on abbyrosser.com.

 


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Blessings in Pain

How do you deal with your pain in the middle of the night when there’s not enough staff in the emergency room and you have to wait in excruciating pain for five hours? Then you see the mom sitting across the room with her crying baby. You can’t help but wonder what’s wrong, how long the crying has been fraying this poor young mother’s nerves, and what prognosis the doctor must give her later.

What do you do if you have to watch your baby suffer? What do you tell her if you know the outcome is not going to be what you’ve hoped and prayed for? Or maybe you’re never given a diagnosis and you have to live your life wondering if the horrible waves of pain will come again with no warning.

Then you get pulled up short when you enter a tiny room to wait for the doctor and you see the representation of Jesus on the wall. You realize that God had to watch His Son suffer; then He chose to turn away, and He did it all for you. How can you appreciate the depths of sorrow God can feel not only for His only begotten Son but also for you, His beloved child?

It’s difficult to deal with your own pain, but it’s also extremely difficult to watch someone you love go through pain that you can’t stop, that you know you have no control over. That was the task I chose last week. As difficult as it is to endure, God always brings something good out of the pain in our lives and in the lives of those we love. At the very least, we can learn some important life lessons by watching and listening to others as they process their pain.

Here are twenty important things I learned (or was reminded of) while spending twenty-four hours in the hospital with my friend:

  1. hands-loving peopleLoving people is more important than doing important things!
  2. When I’m in pain, I can be extremely self-absorbed.
  3. Five hours of pain, even a full twenty-four hours of excruciating pain, is nothing compared to what Jesus endured for me.
  4. The little things are what make the difference in life.
  5. Loving people is more important than doing important things!
  6. Babies can still make me smile—even during times of great pain.
  7. Friends & family are the most important assets we have.
  8. God is still in charge.
  9. Loving people is more important than doing important things!
  10. I don’t have to allow my pain, whether insignificant or immense, to take my attention off the only One who can heal me.
  11. I may get a spiritual do-over because of Jesus but my body may not get a physical do-over, so I should take good care of the one I’ve been given.
  12. It’s important to care well today for the things and, especially, for the people I’ve been given because they can all be gone in a heartbeat.
  13. Loving people is more important than doing important things!
  14. All the stuff I worry about and the things I think I have to have and do are nothing compared to the joy of being there for someone else.
  15. When I’m in enough pain, it doesn’t feel like a bad option at all to think about God calling me home.
  16. It feels much better to have a clean kitchen when friends stop by unexpectedly to visit the sick.
  17. Loving people is more important than doing important things!
  18. God still reigns in heaven—and in my heart—even when all is not right with the world.
  19. It can be a joy to let people have the run of my house and my heart, but first I have to give them permission to do so.
  20. Loving people is the important thing!


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Being Alone

dog-624951 copyToday I am home alone. I seldom get the chance to be alone so this time is very precious to me. It’s wonderful. I’m listening to the sounds of silence, or as close as I can get to silence without leaving home! I can hear the heating system blowing. My dog barks occasionally but mostly it’s just the sound of his breathing as he sleeps squeezed in between my right leg and the arm of the chair. Sometimes I hear a car or truck drive down the street. Today, I can hear what I’d call “construction noise” although I can’t see anything going on here on my street. It’s only vague sounds of motors and hammering and an indiscernible yell every now and then. All that is in the background and does not disturb me. This silence is so peaceful and quiet.

I miss this kind of silence when it’s covered up by the noise of televisions, computers or appliances. Most of the time I’m with other people and both of us are using some noisy audio device that covers the silence. And if there’s talking, it’s usually with noisy devices blaring in the background. If I need to communicate and make sure we have an understanding or “meeting of the minds,” it’s best for me that I request all noisy devices be turned off.

I’m disturbed and distracted by noise. For some reason, my brain has trouble focusing on the task in front of me when there’s noise to listen to. Voices are especially distracting to me. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but my ears seem to pick up conversations that were not intended for me. Not that I always hear something worth repeating, but I seem to pick up information that tempts me to gossip. I’m working to overcome that somewhat acceptable and usually enjoyable sin.

Another big distraction for me is the Internet and social media. I have accounts on Facebook and Twitter, but I don’t often post anything. The big appeal for me is to read what everyone else is posting. I know it’s an illusion, but it’s like I’m keeping up with what’s going on in the world by reading all the posts. In addition to the news of the world, it feels like I stay informed about people I haven’t seen or talked to in months or maybe even years. It gives me a false sense of having continuing relationships with childhood friends, school friends, relatives I only see at reunions, people from places I used to work, churches I used to attend, neighbors I’ve moved away from, and even “famous” people I’ve never even met!. I see a picture in which they are tagged and feel like I just made a real connection with them and have a special, unique insight into their life. Like I said, it’s an illusion, not reality and only serves to keep me from doing other things that are much more important; real life and real relationships. I’m grateful for the clarity that comes when I can sit in the silence and focus on the real truth and whatever needs to be done.

book-1149031 copyA line from one of my favorite psalms is “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.” (Psalm 37:7) Patience is not easy for me so I have to feel like I’m doing something. My favorite thing to do while I’m trying to be patient is to sit in the silence and read the Bible and pray. I’ve always heard people use the first line of Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God” as support for spending time alone with God; for having a daily quiet time to commune with the Lord; for time of devotion and prayer. The Nelson Study Bible comments that this “stillness before the Lord is not a preparation for worship, but for impending judgment…” and how “all the earth will bow before [God]” as it says in the following verses. That’s a good reminder for me that this is serious business and it’s very important for me to remember the awesomeness of my God. I can just imagine the deep, powerful, booming voice saying “I am who I am” (Exodus 3:14.) That kind of gets lost on me when I’m surrounded by the noise of life. But it comes through loud and clear when I’m immersed in silence.

Another scripture I think of when I get to sit in the silence is 1 Kings 19:11-12 where God encouraged a lonely, depressed and scared for his life Elijah by appearing to him as a fierce wind, an earthquake, a fire and finally what’s usually interpreted as a “still small voice.” My Nelson Study Bible commentary offers the phrase “the sound of a gentle stillness” as how God revealed Himself. Those words just bring peace to my soul. God can show himself in power or in powerlessness. God is in control of it all. And knowing that brings me comfort.


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Let the Spirit Move You

Do not quench the Spirit. 1 Thessalonians 5:19

The Spirit has been at work. I have had many lessons this week. My mom shared a spirit-filled experience with me.

The other day she was at “group” and was asked by her lady friends if she’d like to have lunch. My mom was honest and told them she wasn’t “in the mood” as she is still very much grieving the loss of her husband. After “group” finished she took her car to get the oil changed. While she was there the cashier asked her why she wasn’t smiling, and if she could just give one smile. My mother replied with a level of honesty that most people avoid, “I don’t have anything to smile about right now. I just lost my husband a month ago.” The man quickly apologized.

A woman who was being helped at the front turned around towards my mother with her eyes filled with tears. She then told my mom that she just lost her husband a year ago. They shared a few things and then embraced one another.

The point is that if my mom had not been honest about not wanting to go to lunch and avoided her feelings, she would have missed this opportunity. If she had not again answered with honesty about how she really felt, she would have missed out on connecting with a complete stranger who also needed to comfort.

That’s what Jesus was all about: Relationships. Doing life together. Living in the truth. Allowing God to provide while being open to experience all the honest emotions that life throws our way.

Then my own child showed me this very same thing. I am learning a great deal from my child. As she continues through this painful journey of chemotherapy, she is showing us how to live. Every day she has another thing that she has to accept. She has feelings and fears. Her hair has started to fall out which has proven to be very difficult for her and us.

But I see her working every day. I see her fighting, physically, to recover, but more so, I see her spiritual battle, this inner working. I see her allowing God and His spirit to lead her through this battle field. She draws and writes almost every day, expressing herself through the pictures. I like to call it her art therapy.

A few days ago she drew this:

image

I was frightened when I saw it. I took myself to the bathroom and cried. She posted it to our refrigerator. Yet another lesson. Olivia is allowing all that she feels, all that she is experiencing to just happen. She’s letting the spirit direct her and it’s leading her to the  truth. I know many adults who are not able to let their feelings guide them to a place of raw honesty.

That is what our feelings do: guide us to a place of truth and surrender. It is in the acknowledgment of the truth that we are set free. Christ said it. It is the only way to surrender to God’s plan.

Since seeking recovery six yeas ago, I have been living in such a place. The truth is the only way in our home. But, I have to admit, my daughter’s mortality hanging in the front part of my mind has me wanting to hide from the truth. I have to keep myself in a constant awareness of Christ and His father, who knows all too well the fears I have over my child.

I pray that each of us allow our current circumstances to transform us. It brings purpose to the pain and draws us closer to our God. Remember He knows our temptations and our fears. Christ was fully human, but He is fully God as well, which makes Him a Savior who understands us but knows how to save us. I pray we first seek the truth and then invite the spirit into our space, allowing Christ to take control and God to change our hearts.

I pray these things in Jesus’ name, amen.


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God Is Love

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  1 John 4:8

 

Do you have trouble loving others during worship on Sunday morning?

I know I don’t, but in the car on the way home can be a different story altogether.

Me: “Let’s go somewhere for lunch.”

My husband: “I’d really rather go home. I’m tired.”

Me: “You’re always tired.”

My husband: “You’re one to talk after last night.”

Me: “How dare you bring up last night?!”

I’ll let you use your imagination to finish that conversation. Hint: It does not go well.

cloud-600224 copyAs we head into the love month that includes Valentine’s Day, our thoughts turn to love. Although the world does its best to define love as something that can be bought, is found under the sheets or expressed with chocolate (and I do so love me some chocolate!), 1 John 4:4-21 is a lesson in true love, pure love.

In this passage, we learn the following:

  • God is love;
  • God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die so that we might live;
  • Because God loves us, we should love each other;
  • If we love each other, God is in us and His love is made complete in us;
  • We can rely on God’s love for us, giving us “confidence on the day of judgment”;
  • “There is no fear in love”;
  • “Perfect love drives out fear”;
  • We love others because God loved us first; and
  • Whoever loves God must also love their brothers and sisters.

There is not much wiggle room in this chapter. It does not say, “God loves us because we’re so good” or “It’s up to you to decide if a brother or sister deserves love.” It does not say, “God loves us most of the time but hates us when we sin” or “Try to be nice and God will live in you.”

This chapter basically says that God is love, through His love for His Son He lives in us and we are to love one another because He loved us first. Period.

That may not fit on a candy heart but it is something that is worth celebrating during this month of love.

chocolate-candy-995135 copySo if love is not candy, flowers or scantily clad people making out on television, what does love look like?

  • Love is the parents who are in church with their children.
  • Love is the brother who feeds the homeless with no thought of reward or thanks.
  • Love is the teenager who stands up against the student who is bullying another student.
  • Love is letting the other person go in front of you with a smile in the check-out lane.
  • Love is saying no when a child or a friend needs a boundary.
  • Love is not having to have the last word.
  • Love is standing in the gap by lifting someone in prayer.

All of this may sound like a tall order. But if we just focus on this moment, we can give and receive love one person at a time. And if anyone asks, I wouldn’t mind a little chocolate thrown in for good measure.

 

 


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Today I Choose to Believe

winter tree in fog Psa96.9

Here I am before You, Lord,

Again fearful,

Again doubting,

Again shameful.

 

Lord, teach me to be satisfied

With Your gifts,

With Your grace,

With Your love.

 

How can I not be satisfied?

You gave up everything,

You gave me life,

You gave me freedom.

 

Teach me, Lord, that with You

I am blessed,

I need nothing more,

You are always enough!

 

Lord, today I choose to believe

Your Spirit is living within me.

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
(Romans 8:11)

 

I am Your beloved child, not an orphan.

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
(Romans 8:15)

 

Your Spirit will transform me into the person You made me to be.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
(2 Corinthians 2:18)

 

You alone will make me bold to live out and to share the good news of Your Son, Jesus the Anointed.

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold.
(2 Corinthians 3:12)

 

Only in the power of Your Spirit am I able to choose the right path, speak the truth, and share Your grace and love.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
(Romans 1:8)

 

I have no hope but in You.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.
(Psalm 62:5)

 

I have no love but Your love.

God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
(Romans 5:5b)

 

I have no power but the power You give me through Your precious Spirit.

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
(2 Timothy 1:7)

 

Everything I have and everything I am comes from Your gracious and merciful hand.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
(James 1:17)

 

Here I am before You, Lord,

Again courageous,

Again trusting,

Again confident in You alone!

 

Thank You, Lord!

 Every Day is a New Start


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God Is Still Good

I’m going to use this opportunity as a new blogger to share about my daughter’s new diagnosis. My 9-year-old Olivia was born with a severe heart condition and required many open heart surgeries that inevitably led her to a heart transplant. It was her 5th open heart surgery and one that has changed the course of her life.

It’s such a funny thing, all that has happened over the past 30 days. It seems unreal, too unrealistic. Even the best screenplay writers couldn’t come up with this stuff.  It’s all been too much.

My beloved step-father rapidly started to decline Christmas night. I made plans to fly home to say goodbye.  A few days after Christmas I jumped on a plane with my 3 children. My middle child, my heart baby, Olivia, had been “sick” since moving to El Paso back in October. But her symptoms the month of December were alarming to me and my husband; I spent weeks taking her to one doctor after another. No one knew. No one could have predicted what was looming.

We arrived Monday. By Tuesday evening I was done. I took her to the emergency room at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. All her doctors were there and all her records. I felt relieved the moment I stepped in. After an x-ray and an ultrasound Olivia’s cardiologist was notified, and she “just so happened” to be on call that night so she had her admitted under her service. The next day Olivia had a CT scan. Wednesday my husband arrived and Olivia underwent a biopsy of one of her lymph nodes.  We waited through the weekend for results.

We have waited before. Only 7 years ago we found ourselves at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital spending New Year’s Eve with our baby girl waiting on a new heart. This waiting was different.

Monday night, a week after arriving in Nashville, Olivia was officially diagnosis with PTLD, Post-transplant lymphoproliferative disease.

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We knew this was possible. We were told; we signed documents proving we understood the risks. We knew that her heart transplant was an exchange of one set of issues for another. We also knew Olivia needed a new heart. We made the choice. We signed the dotted line. We knew but we had no other choice.

PTLD is a form of lymphoma that occurs after organ transplant due to the antirejection medication that is required to maintain the graft. But it is an immune suppressant drug and directly affects the lymphatic system.

Olivia had her first round of chemo on Wednesday. My wonderful step-father left the world on Thursday night. We buried him Friday.

This is how I know God. If my father had not been ill, I would have never gotten on the plane. I would have never gotten Olivia to the ER. He laid out a path at my feet and escorted me through it. Except it wasn’t so eloquent. I had known for months that something dire was happening to my child and couldn’t get her help. I fought God tooth and nail on why He put us in a city that could not help her. But when it came down to it, she was placed in the perfect situation where everyone that needed to be there was there. The universe was aligned and His plan executed.

This is how I know God. People, His people, Christ’s people came to our aid. They provided comfort to our family and my extended family that had been spread too thin between my father’s passing and Olivia’s diagnosis.

There are many unknowns. What I know is that Olivia is mad. Her dad and I are mad and her big sister is mad. We hate cancer, also a fact.  Another truth: no child/children should have to understand his or her mortality in the way that my children do at this very moment. Death is not natural. It was never meant to be this way. Decay is sin. Body and spirit separated by death, sin. Jesus, come quickly.

One last truth: God is good. He was good before my father passed and He is still good. He was good before Olivia received her news and He will remain good through treatment. And if He decides to take my baby girl home, He will still be good.

Sarah

Sarah Apa